I’ve decided that I want to be a rainbow…only with more colors than ROYGBIV.  I want to brighten up every single room into which I enter.  I’m tired of being beige.  Tired of wearing the same type of clothes every single day because there seems to be no point in wearing anything else.  Tired of being the introvert when entering into a situation where I’m not completely comfortable and only showing my extroverted side in known situations with known people.  I want to walk into a room and completely overwhelm them with my bright shimmering colors that never dim.  I want to be talked about after I leave the room because I’m too difficult to forget.  I want to be the life of the party even when there’s no party.  Hell, I’ll be the party.  I’m done with timidly saying, “I write in my spare time” like I’m ashamed or not completely sure that I actually write.  I am now going to say, “I am a writer” loud and proud.  I’m going to lead with it rather than telling people that I’m an Operations Manager/Safety Coordinator and I write in my spare time.  It will now be, “I’m a writer and I also work as an Operations Manager/Safety Coordinator.”  I might even leave the last part out.  I will no longer say if, maybe, hopefully, etc…, when talking about finishing Rapture and getting it published because a rainbow is sure of itself and its ability to shine.  And no one dims a rainbow’s shine…not even the rainbow.  It shines because it shines.  Rainbows are bold, bright, strong, and unafraid to shine.  And if I grow too bright, well, good for me.  You can’t tell me to dim myself because this is my sky.  And I won’t even need the sunshine to reflect, refract, or disperse the light in the tiny water droplets.  No, I will make my own sunshine because if you depend on anything or anyone else to make you shine you’re sure to be disappointed because not even the sun shines all of the time.  With each success, small or large, I will grow brighter.  So, put on some shades, people, there’s about to be some serious sparkle going on here! 

“The white light streams down to be broken up by all those human prisms into all the colors of the rainbow.  Take your own color in the pattern and be just that.” ~ Charles R. Brown.  

              

I am not good at receiving gifts.  First, I don’t like being the center of attention.  Second, even if I absolutely love the gift and tell the giver profusely that I love and adore it, I still feel like my gratitude rings false for some reason even though they seem happy with my words.  I don’t know when that started…sometime after my teens, I think.  It’s something that I struggle with even now.  So I suppose that it’s not such a big surprise that I even struggle with acknowledging and accepting my innate gifts.  It’s as though my brain is split into two sections (other than left and right)…the “Yea, Donna, you’re so amazing” section and the “What makes you think that you’re a writer or have any kind of talent at all” section.  I’ve written before about the Inner Critic and the Inner Wise Self and how they are in an eternal struggle inside my head but I think that this goes even deeper than that.  It probably goes back to my childhood.  There was some emotional damage done back then but I don’t think that until recently, I’d really even considered it as having affected my ability to accept and make proper use of my gifts.  I don’t believe that I’m God’s gift to writing but one side of my brain knows that I do have a gift and that I have worked over the years to develop it.  I know that I have written some really good stuff…poetry and prose.  It has been praised and I have been encouraged by those with so much talent that I am in awe of them.  And yet, I doubt myself and my ability to write.  And it is holding me back.  Correction, I am holding myself back.  I don’t want to be a writer that failed because I was too afraid to fail.  Paradoxical, isn’t it?  Dammit, if I am going to fail, I want it to be because of something that I did, not something that I didn’t do!  And I don’t want to just give up because someone tells me that my writing isn’t good enough.  I want them to give me a reason so that I can go back to that piece and figure out why what they said was accurate, or not, and then fix it.  I need to succeed or fail through my own actions.  So that means that I have to write.  And write some more.  And not give up…ever. 

We all get in our own way more than others ever do.  We are afraid of rejection and failure and of the words running dry in our heads.  News flash…as writers that write and submit our writing, we are going to be rejected, probably more times than we would have ever thought possible.  But, all it takes is one piece of good writing landing on the right person’s desk at the right time to be published.  And one rejection or even ten rejections is not failure…it is part of our learning process.  Failure is quitting writing because you feel like a failure.  Suck it up.  Writing is hard.  Succeeding as a writer is even harder.  We have to be tougher than that.  Our skin has to be thicker.  We have to be determined.  And we have to persevere.  And our words will never dry up.  There will days when it’s a trickle rather than a flood but if we push through they will begin to flow more freely.  And when they are flowing freely, just write.  Don’t stop and try to edit and correct it as we go.  Get it all out first and then go back to edit it.  We also can’t make the mistake of judging our writing by our first drafts because they are like a newly mined diamond that needs to be cleaned up, evaluated and cut.  The first draft is not the finished product…no one’s is, not even a bestselling author’s.  But we have to get the words on the paper before we can start editing.  We are the harshest judge of our own writing so we need unbiased, truthful readers to give us critiques and input.  And we mustn’t take them the wrong way.  We have to accept them and, as I said before, figure out if they’re accurate or not.  That’s why we should always try to get at least two people to read our writing and to find people that would be an audience for our writing.  And go from there.  Remember, when Stephen King wrote Carrie while teaching school, he actually threw the manuscript into the trash and his wife, Tabitha, got it out and made him submit it.  And the legend was born.  We have to believe in, acknowledge and accept our gifts and use them! 

So, if I’m going to fail, I’m going to fail actively, not passively.  However, I am not going to fail!

“Books aren’t written – they’re rewritten.  Including your own.  It is one of the hardest things to accept, especially after the seventh rewrite hasn’t quite done it.” ~ Michael Crichton              

There are many things in my life that I could bitch, whine, and moan about but there are far more things to be thankful for right now.  I have a wonderful, loving husband that treats me like a queen and he’s in the kitchen right now putting our Thanksgiving feast.  Did I mention that he could seriously be a chef…he is that good.  He worries about me, advocates for me, and loves me more than I sometimes feel I deserve.  And I am beyond thankful for that.  I have 3 dogs…Blue, a Blue Heeler; Brown, an Australian Terrier; and Dude, a long-haired Chihuahua.  All 3 were rehomed after their owners surrendered them.  How people can do that, I don’t know.  But they are loved and well cared for now.  We have 5 cats, 3 of which were formerly feral, and 2 from animal services.  The formerly feral are Stinky, Zippy, and Spike.  The other 2 are Sadie and Sybil.  They all had tough starts but have wonderful lives now and are loved.  We have a home built in 1956 on a little over an acre of land in the historical area in the middle of a thriving city that we got a great deal on 22 years ago after we got married.  It’s still partially agriculturally zoned so our neighbors have chickens and sometimes have horses or goats or sheep.  They have 2 peacocks that visit our house on a regular basis.  We have a well that our sprinkler system is attached to so we don’t have to worry about high water bills in the Texas summer.  It has big, tall, old trees, wisteria vines, honeysuckle, rosemary, and lavender.  We have a vegetable and herb garden in the summer and fall.  And a pool to enjoy.  We are very fortunate to live here and it was a complete serendipitous miracle that we found, were able to afford and buy this house back then so, of course, I am very thankful to live here.  I am thankful for my job.  It isn’t my dream job but it is fast-paced and diverse and the pay and benefits are decent.  I get along with my coworkers and my boss is pretty easy going.  I can take off for all of my doctor’s appointments, which are covered by my pretty affordable company-provided health insurance, when I need to with little advance notice and I have enough sick, vacation, and personal time to cover them all.  Plus, I can vary my work hours to make up for the time rather than using my vacation time if I run out of sick time.  It’s a 10 – 15-minute drive on surface streets to get there so it saves gas.  So, I ‘m very thankful for my job.  I’m thankful for my wonderful doctors who I literally trust with my life.  I am thankful for my new CGM, continuous glucose monitor that I had put on Monday.  I’m a Type 1 diabetic so this will save me many thousands of finger pricks over my lifetime and I am extremely grateful for that and for the control that it gives me over my diabetes.  I am thankful for SARK, SWW, and ROW for helping to make my writing dreams come true.  I am thankful for the friends that I have made in SWW and ROW and for the inspiration and encouragement that I have received from each one of them time and time again.  They are some of the warmest, welcoming people I’ve ever met.  I am truly grateful for their impact on my creativity and my future writing plans.  They have energized me and my need and desire to write.  I will be forever thankful to SARK for organizing these groups and for her books, and for her mentoring.  Because of her, I am working to make my dreams come true. 

Our lunch was unbelievable.  I am ready for a long nap.

This is only a partial list.  I truly have so much to be thankful and grateful for and I need to remember that every single day.  Well, I need to go feed and water my strays and ferals out front.  I wish that I could bring them all in but all I can do is give them food and water twice a day.  Of course, I’m also feeding squirrels, raccoons, possums, and God only knows what else.  But I’m good with that.  I’ll feed any hungry animal.  They all deserve that much from humans.  So I hope that you have all had a wonderful day with your loved ones and that you have a peaceful, restful night.

“There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude.  A quiet joy.”  ~ Ralph H Blum

      

 

            

I often wonder when I decided to be a writer because I keep thinking that there has to be one defining moment that set this all in motion.  Writing was an escape and for comfort when I was a child and teenager.  As I grew older, it was a way to deal with emotions and thoughts that I didn’t feel comfortable expressing in other ways.  So, if someone stumbled upon a poem or story, I could just tell them that it’s fictional and deflect their insinuation that it was more personal than that.  I had a few teachers and professors that told me that I had talent and to keep writing but no one specifically said that I could ever be anything more than someone who wrote just for the hell of it in their spare time.  I didn’t receive that kind of encouragement until I was in my mid-forties.  And even then, I was skeptical but I still had a tiny thread of hope that I could more than a closeted writer.  But since then, through the encouragement of others and, more recently, the support of other writers in the groups that I’m in, I have more than just a thread of hope.  It’s maybe ribbon sized now.  I know that still seems relatively small but it’s actually pretty huge.  So I am determined to be published in some way within the next year.  In my ROW Retreat Saturday, I read a poem that everyone loved and I was even encouraged to submit it to the New Yorker.  I’m going to do just that and if it’s rejected, then I’ll submit it somewhere else.  They said that it was a perfect expression of womanhood in the #MeToo movement times.  Arnold said that the world needs more angry women.  So, unlike in the past, I am listening and accepting, not deflecting, this praise and encouragement.  I guess the question that I’m pondering is why do we need the outside encouragement to make it possible for us to even begin to consider the fact that we might be a talented writer.  I know that not all writers are this way but a lot of us are.  Why are we so insecure about and critical of our writing?  I know that we need to be able to turn a critical eye on writing but we also need to be able to look at it from a more neutral perspective.  Some people think that everything they write is gold while others of us think that what we write is mud.  We’re unable to see the gold that the mud hides and to realize that the mud is actually our inability to see our own worth and ability.  While there’s nothing wrong with wanting outside opinions and praise, we have to also be willing to praise ourselves and to value the writing that we do.  For most of us, we didn’t start out writing with the intent to be published.  We began writing for ourselves and no one else.  And, being children, we didn’t turn an overly critical eye upon what we had created.  We were proud of it.  Of course, no one had told us the cold hard truth about the odds of our work being published or rejected time after time or how critical others can be or any of the other things that we found out later in life.  Those things made us think twice about our ability and whether it was even worth our time to continue to write.  But still, we wrote.  Or maybe we did have 1 piece of writing that was complete mud or just a diamond in the rough that someone gave an extremely negative critique on and made us feel like the worst writer in the entire world and we definitely considered giving up our passion.  But, we didn’t.  We kept on writing but began to turn an even more negative eye upon it.  Or we read or heard someone else’s writing and we compared ours to theirs…which we all know never works out in our favor.  At that point, the best thing probably is to get outside praise and positive critiques because something is needed to turn our thinking around.  But, the thing is, there isn’t always going to be a cheerleader beside our desk while we write.  It’s just going to be us…alone.  So we have to be a better judge of our own writing.  We have to stop looking at our first draft and comparing it to an edited, finished masterpiece.  And we have to be our own cheerleaders.  And I know as well as anyone just how difficult that is to do.  After already being exhausted from work, home duties, relationships, and life in general when we sit down to write how can we possibly be more positive?  Well, first, after all of that, we sat down and we’re writing.  Second, the more we write, the better we’ll get.  Third, we have to write because it’s our passion so we have to be positive.  I know that’s a bit of a tautology but it is what it is, tautologically speaking.  We are amazing.  We are creative.  We are passionate.  We are committed.  We are unstoppable.  We have to stop doubting ourselves and being negative about our ability and what we create.  Accept and believe it.  And even if others doubt us, we are still going to write because it’s what we do.  So, we’re going to get out of our own way and write.  And it’s going to be amazing!   

“It is impossible to discourage the real writers – they don’t give a damn what you say, they’re going to write.” ~ Sinclair Lewis         

Time is a funny thing.  When I was younger, my mom told me that the older you get, the faster time goes by and, being young and naive, I’d just think whatever and go on about my business.  But now that I’m older, I’m realizing just how right she was.  This year has gone by so quickly and it happened in the blink of an eye.  I look back and see all the time that I have wasted in regards to my writing.  I can’t blame it on lack of encouragement, because we as creatives need to be able to create even in a void.  The creation has to be its own reason…not accolades or the encouragement of others or thoughts of fame and fortune.  Those things may never come so we can’t depend upon them to spur us on.  I have always written because I love to write.  Even when it’s hard and the words aren’t flowing as freely as I’d like, I still enjoy doing it.  It would be nice to have neverending positive enforcement but we can’t count on that so we have to just create in spite of it.  So we have to stop wasting time because it’s going to continue rushing past us and one day we’ll realize that there’s no time left.  We are the only ones that can write the stories that we have inside of us.  Absolutely no one else can do it.  Our words have weight and meaning that only we can give them.  We mustn’t let the passage of time silence us.  We have to keep writing so that our voice is heard.  And our words will live on. 

“Words are timeless.  You should utter them or write them with a knowledge of their timelessness.” ~ Khalil Gibran                 

Ruminating…to think deeply about something.  Over the last few months, I have been ruminating about my writing.  Am I any good?  Will others like my writing?  Can I fit it into my life and give it as much time as I’d like to…as I need to?  Do I have the tools within myself to make my dreams a reality?  Am I going to let my Inner Critic win or will my Inner Wise Self finally shut it up?  First, I am good and others do like my fiction and poetry.  Second, I have to fit it into my life…I have no choice because this is something that my soul desires to the point that it can’t rest until I give it my all.  Third, I have all of the tools…I might not have mastered them yet, but I will.  Fourth, my Inner Wise Self is growing stronger every single day…it’s already drowning out some of my Inner Critic’s bullshit.  My IC seems to become more vocal with each bit of progress I make so I’ve come to understand that it is afraid that I will stop listening to its lies one day.  And I will.  My dear friends in ROW have been very positive about my writing and are pushing me gently forward.  They also will give a little tough love when I need it.  Our Retreat, as SARK calls our 5-hour ZOOM meetings, yesterday was probably the most rewarding day that I’ve experienced in a long time.  Not because of the praise for my writing and abilities but because these people are so insightful and such talented and brilliant writers that I am learning so much that cannot be taught in writing books or academic classes alone.  And yesterday, I really soaked it all in and internalized it.  There was a shift inside me regarding my writing that I cannot even begin to put into words.  There is this feeling of expansiveness and wholeness that just overwhelms me when I try to verbalize it.  I think that there is going to be a real shift in my writing as well.  And, it’s about time because I’ve been dragging my feet for so long.  I am extremely excited to move into this next phase because I think it’s going to be awesome!  I will keep you updated.

“The art of writing is discovering what you believe.” ~ Gustave Flaubert              

One of my biggest struggles comes from within.  It’s not trying to find the time to write or actually writing and/or editing, which I do struggle with every day, it’s the inherent belief that I do not have any talent and that there’s no reason to even try to finish Rapture and work at getting it published because who would want to read it.  I read others’ works and compare my writing to theirs and think about how much meaning and subtext there is and I think that mine is drivel.  But then I see others succeeding in writing and publishing similar books that go on to become bestsellers and even hit movies.  So, I go back to thinking that I’m a no talent hack and my writing doesn’t measure up to theirs.  It’s basically a vicious circle that never stops repeating in my brain.  The weird thing is that I do know that I have talent and that Rapture, before I sent it off the rails, is good.  People have told me it is.  It was optioned by a publisher.  A production company wanted to produce a web series based on it.  So somewhere deep in my brain, I know my book is good…or will be after I do some editing and rewriting then finish it.  I sometimes think that in a weird way I’m protecting myself from disappointment when I tell myself all of those negative things.  If I never finish it, then I’m the one in control and I won’t face the possibility of being told that it sucks by an agent or a publisher.  And that is really screwed up thinking.  I know that I have to finish the book.  I think about it constantly and know that it has to be written otherwise I will always regret it.  Even if it doesn’t get published, it will be complete.  And there’s another part of me that thinks about the possibility of the book being published and actually finding readers.  The way I’ve written it so far leaves it open to sequels but what if I can’t write another book…what if it’s just not in me.  What if did write it and it sucked?  See, I keep sabotaging myself and letting my inner critic have its way inside my head.  My inner wise self knows Rapture is good.  My inner critic says it’s garbage and I’m a failure.  I’ve been letting my inner critic win this battle for far too long.  It’s like the old cartoon where the devil is on one shoulder and an angel is on the other and they’re both whispering in your ear trying to sway you one way or the other.  Well, I’m about to flick my inner critic off of my shoulder.  It’s holding me back.  I need to finish the book and see where it goes from there.  I don’t want to be a “could have been.”  I am going to trust my inner wise self and take this as far as it can go.  I will not stop myself from at least finishing Rapture and trying to get it published.  There are too many naysayers in my life as it is…I am not going to be one of them. We can’t give up on our dreams because we’re afraid or feel unable to meet the challenge.  We have to keep trying because if we don’t then our life really will be one of disappointment and unrealized dreams.  We cannot be the reason for that because that is a sad life.  We were given this talent for a reason…we can’t squander it because we’re afraid of failure.  Dreams are one of the things that make our life interesting and more enjoyable but if you leave them in the realm of dreams and don’t at least try to realize them, you will regret it for the rest of your life.  So, we have to stand up to our inner and outer critics.  This is our freakin’ dream and no one is going to stand in the way of us realizing it…not even ourselves. 

“A dream can become a reality when you realize that your dreams are your reality.” ~ Amanda             

Every single time I sit down to write this blog, I wonder what do I know that is worth passing along to anyone?  I know a little about success…my book was optioned in the past.  I know a lot about feeling like a failure…my book isn’t finished so it’s obviously not published.  I know about persevering…I’m back to working on Rapture again and determined to type “The End” sooner rather than later.  I know about desperation…when I was struggling to write the scripts for the web series that they wanted to base on Rapture and I figured out that I was not a screenwriter.  I know about struggling to find the right words and coming up blank, or even worse, coming up with the absolute wrong words and then having to rethink and replace them.  Or just backspacing through them all, leaving a blank page.  I know about writing through the night and the high that you get from writing something completely awesome.  I know about trying to fit writing into a life with a full-time job, a husband, 3 dogs and 5 cats, a feral cat colony I care for at work and strays that I care for at home, a creativity group and writing incubator that I attend via ZOOM throughout the month, a blog, and a need to sleep a few hours each night.  I also know about writing through physical and emotional pain as well as fitting doctor and hospital visits into my schedule.  And so on and so forth.  So I do have the knowledge to share with others.  But that begs another question…who cares about or needs the things that I know?  We all have our own successes, failures, and various issues so mine aren’t anything new, earth-shattering or mind-blowing.  So, maybe what I have to share is the fact that even though writing is a solitary practice, we are not alone.  There are shared experiences that make us a community.  No one really understands us or what we do and go through when we write except other writers and creatives.  Maybe I’m just a daily reminder that we are not alone and, honestly, I’m fine with that.  Maybe I’m also a cautionary tale that warns you to not make the mistakes that I’ve made.  And if I occasionally share something that inspires or helps someone then good for me.  Even with the anxiety that creeps in each time that I open this blog and try to come up with something worth reading, I do enjoy writing it.  It’s great writing practice and it helps to keep my mind agile.  So, the takeaway from this is that we’re not alone.  Others do understand our struggles, successes, and failures.  So, when you’re struggling to find the right words at 3:00am, there are others out there doing the same thing.  Take heart in that.

“Writing can be a very solitary business.  It’s you sat at a desk typing words into a computer.  It can get lonely sometimes and lots of writers live quite isolated lives.” ~ Paul Kane                                      

From where exactly does inspiration spring?  Do you have a muse?  Do you see or hear things that inspire your writing?  Do you sit down in front of your laptop and pray as hard as you can for some glimmer of inspiration?  Or do you just fake it until you get to a point where you do feel inspired?  And when your well of inspiration runs dry, how do you handle that?  Shake your fist and curse the day that you decided that you really wanted to be a writer?  Blame everyone and everything for your lack of inspiration…the music is too loud, the neighbor’s dog is barking, it’s too hot, it’s too cold, it’s this and it’s that and then it’s something else?  Give up in disgust, slam your laptop closed, and storm away in frustration?  Decide that you have developed permanent writer’s block and think about becoming a full-time Uber driver?  Or do you persevere?  Do you keep writing no matter what…even if it totally sucks?  We have to persevere.  I have to write…it’s a huge part of who I am.  If I try to ignore it, it would probably eventually drive me insane.  I tried to do that over the last few years.  I’d tell myself that I was too old, not talented, that my book was garbage, that I’d never get published, etc….  But there would be flashes of truth mixed in with those lies.  I need to be on a different path because the current one wasn’t working.  I need a tribe that I could trust that would support me and hold me accountable.  I need to trust my instincts.  I just need to freakin’ write!  The “I’m too old” thing is just another excuse…a lie I told myself to make it easier to put my novel and aspirations away.  Yes, I’m 58 but the truth is, and you know this as well, I will never be this young again.  I also tell myself another age-related lie…who wants to read a book like Rapture that’s written by a 58-year-old?  I personally don’t care how old an author is especially if they are a good writer.  My brain seems to be stuck in my late 20’s and early 30’s.  I enjoy the same types of books that I did back then…mostly horror and thrillers.  The same is true of movies…I love horror, apocalyptic, and thriller type movies.  I have an Xbox 360, a Wii, a PlayStation 3 and 4 and tons of violent video games.  I’ll eventually upgrade to the newest generations of Xbox and PlayStation but I’m currently happy with the ones I have.  I listen to everything from the ’70’s to current music, from metal to country to baroque classical to alternative but I’m a little stuck in the 80’s and 90’s.  Sometimes I just can’t believe I’m nearing 60.  My body is that old but not my brain.  Look at the late, great Stan Lee.  He was an icon, a hero to a multitude of generations from the very young to the more mature such as myself.  My name is Donna and I am a Marvel Universe geek.  And proud of it!  My point is, yes, there is ageism but if your talent outshines your age, then you should be good.  So you have to persevere.  Don’t let the lies you tell yourself shut down your creativity and desire to write.  Some of those are told as a way to protect you from possible disappointment and rejection.  But just think about would happen if your dream of being published came true.  I’m not talking about the money or possible fame…I’m talking about your sense of fulfillment that you’ve been pursuing all of these years.  Isn’t that worth the risk?  So, don’t give up on your dream…persevere.  You might just surprise yourself.

“All our dreams can come true if we have the courage to pursue them.” ~ Walt Disney