One of my biggest struggles comes from within. It’s not trying to find the time to write or actually writing and/or editing, which I do struggle with every day, it’s the inherent belief that I do not have any talent and that there’s no reason to even try to finish Rapture and work at getting it published because who would want to read it. I read others’ works and compare my writing to theirs and think about how much meaning and subtext there is and I think that mine is drivel. But then I see others succeeding in writing and publishing similar books that go on to become bestsellers and even hit movies. So, I go back to thinking that I’m a no talent hack and my writing doesn’t measure up to theirs. It’s basically a vicious circle that never stops repeating in my brain. The weird thing is that I do know that I have talent and that Rapture, before I sent it off the rails, is good. People have told me it is. It was optioned by a publisher. A production company wanted to produce a web series based on it. So somewhere deep in my brain, I know my book is good…or will be after I do some editing and rewriting then finish it. I sometimes think that in a weird way I’m protecting myself from disappointment when I tell myself all of those negative things. If I never finish it, then I’m the one in control and I won’t face the possibility of being told that it sucks by an agent or a publisher. And that is really screwed up thinking. I know that I have to finish the book. I think about it constantly and know that it has to be written otherwise I will always regret it. Even if it doesn’t get published, it will be complete. And there’s another part of me that thinks about the possibility of the book being published and actually finding readers. The way I’ve written it so far leaves it open to sequels but what if I can’t write another book…what if it’s just not in me. What if did write it and it sucked? See, I keep sabotaging myself and letting my inner critic have its way inside my head. My inner wise self knows Rapture is good. My inner critic says it’s garbage and I’m a failure. I’ve been letting my inner critic win this battle for far too long. It’s like the old cartoon where the devil is on one shoulder and an angel is on the other and they’re both whispering in your ear trying to sway you one way or the other. Well, I’m about to flick my inner critic off of my shoulder. It’s holding me back. I need to finish the book and see where it goes from there. I don’t want to be a “could have been.” I am going to trust my inner wise self and take this as far as it can go. I will not stop myself from at least finishing Rapture and trying to get it published. There are too many naysayers in my life as it is…I am not going to be one of them. We can’t give up on our dreams because we’re afraid or feel unable to meet the challenge. We have to keep trying because if we don’t then our life really will be one of disappointment and unrealized dreams. We cannot be the reason for that because that is a sad life. We were given this talent for a reason…we can’t squander it because we’re afraid of failure. Dreams are one of the things that make our life interesting and more enjoyable but if you leave them in the realm of dreams and don’t at least try to realize them, you will regret it for the rest of your life. So, we have to stand up to our inner and outer critics. This is our freakin’ dream and no one is going to stand in the way of us realizing it…not even ourselves.
“A dream can become a reality when you realize that your dreams are your reality.” ~ Amanda