I have a feeling that life is about to change for me after tomorrow.  At 12:00pm, I am having a Nuclear Lexiscan Stress Test because my artery that causes what they call the “widow maker” heart attack is very, very clogged.  Depending on what they find tomorrow, I could be having angioplasty and getting a stent put in sooner rather than later.  I’d be put on 2 blood thinners…1 for 6 months and 1 for life.  I’ll be advised to change my lifestyle…diet, exercise, etc…which I already know that I need to do.  That’s 1 of the biggest problems when working in an office…spending 90% of my 9 – 10 hour day in front of the computer.  And when I go home, I sit in front of my laptop.  Writing is pretty sedentary and that’s compounded by the fact that I’m having to squeeze it into a few evening hours and weekends between work, husband, home, critters, other responsibilities, etc….  Do you know what the sad thing is?  I have a room full of exercise equipment…treadmill, stationary weight machine, some small free weights, bands, some Pilates stuff like the ball, etc…, so I have absolutely no excuse for not exercising except that I head straight for my Writing Haven rather than my exercise room because I love writing and hate exercising.  I used to be extremely active…mostly basketball, which I was damned good at, softball, volleyball, etc….  My sports days were sidelined by rheumatoid arthritis and walking on a treadmill is pretty boring when compared to playing sports.  I was never small but as I’ve aged, my weight has started to really creep up and I have totally let it.  I’m a Type 1 diabetic so I know that I need to keep my weight under control but being on 2 types of insulin makes that very difficult.  Losing weight while on insulin is tough but other people do it.  I guess that I will too now.  I don’t really have a choice.  It’s funny what having a possible “widow making” heart attack looming in your future can do for your motivation and mindset.  I suppose that I can use a voice recorder to “write” while exercising.  Or use writing time to motivate me…for every minute I exercise, I get to write for that length of time as well.  Oh, there will be resistance and bargaining but I’ll have to shut that down.  My diet will have to become much healthier.  Looking at me you’d never guess that I am the pickiest eater on the planet.  I have a rather limited list of foods I like.  I don’t like seafood except for cod but only if it’s fried.  I hate diet drinks and flavored waters.  The texture of food is a big deal for me…the food could be the best whatever of it’s kind and taste amazing but if the texture is wrong, I won’t eat it.  I like fruit but I like fast food more.  I don’t like vegetable soups or stews.  See where all that’s going?  It will be a MAJOR lifestyle shift for me to go healthy.  My husband eats about 90% healthy but it’s all stuff that I won’t eat.  He can and has modified my less than healthy meals so that they are much healthier and he really is an excellent cook, so I know it’s possible.  But, as I wrote the other day…I DO NOT LIKE CHANGE!  But, this is my life so I’m going to have to make and accept these changes and learn to work around them as far as finding time to write is concerned.  That is 1 thing that I will not give up so I have to get healthy and stay that way.

Take care of your body.  It’s the only place that you have to live.” ~ Jim Rohn          

When I undertook the 365-day blogging challenge, I honestly wasn’t sure just how far I’d get because of work, my husband, writing, the creativity group and writing incubator I’m in, and all of the little things that just seem to pop up out of nowhere.  Plus, what do I know about blogging?  Do I actually have anything to say that is worth writing about or that anyone would want to read?  I chose “Inspired Writer” because I had been newly inspired to write again.  I decided to write about writing…mainly my struggles, triumphs, mistakes, epiphanies, etc…, because I was pretty sure that there would be people who would identify with at least some of the things I was writing about.  I didn’t choose writing as my subject because I have any real answers or could teach someone to write or how to get published.  As I’ve said, I’ve learned a few lessons and had a few epiphanies and realizations that might help others who are in the same situation.  I thought that if I could in some small way help others avoid my mistakes and missteps, then it would be worthwhile.  But I honestly didn’t think I’d have much of an audience because who am I to write about writing?  First, having a large audience wasn’t my reason for starting it and, second, I can write about writing because I write.  Because I’ve failed.  Because I’ve made mistakes.  Because I’ve succeeded.  And because I’ve struggled.  And what am I getting out of it?  More than I can tell you.  It’s helped me work through some of my own issues.  It’s improved my writing.  It keeps me writing every single day.  It’s helped me connect with others.  It acts as a journal of sorts.  It makes me think more deeply about things.  It helps me to understand myself.  Will I continue to blog after the 365 days is up?  I will.  Would I recommend it to others?  Absolutely.  Seriously, this is one of the best things that a writer can do for so many reasons.  And it honestly does not matter what you decide to write about…you can have a completely different subject every day if you want.  It’s completely up to you because, in the end, this is for you and if it helps, entertains, or makes others think then that’s great.  Just give it a try.  You might just get hooked.  I have.   

“Good blogging should feel like someone writing you a letter.” ~ Gala Darling               

I was in a small group ZOOM call with 3 others from ROW and we had so much time to share our writing and receive comments from others in such a loving, safe environment that it helped to ease me into an epiphany later that night which was a long time coming.  Before B read a piece of really wonderful flash fiction, she was doing what I always do before reading my work…apologizing.  And A told her to stop apologizing for her writing.  It’s not so much about outright apologizing, it’s more about how we present it and the self-deprecating way that we approach it. So, when A said that, I apparently took it to heart.  Late last night, I was going thru my writing file and separating the things I’ve already presented in our Retreats from the things that I haven’t read yet.  And while I was doing it, I was reading them.  I came across a poem that I’d written that I love but the flow and rhythm just seem a little bit off to me.  And, in my head, I was imagining how I would introduce this poem in ROW and damned if I wasn’t putting it out there with apologies.  And it just hit me that I approach just about everything I write that way.  So, I told my Inner Critic to shut the hell up and I reframed it.  My Inner Wise Self created a new way of presenting it that was not apologetic but did address my flow and rhythm concerns.  Then I started rereading everything…at 2:00am…and applying A’s no apologies comment to them all.  And, damned if I didn’t realize something…I am a freakin’ good writer whether it’s poetry, fiction or non-fiction.  My imagery is amazing.  My wording is also excellent.  My writing is thought-provoking.  I’m a really good pantser in that I do not outline or plot my writing before actually writing it.  I’ve tried every possible way and none of them have ever worked for me.  The Snowflake method came close but the way it was presented was so juvenile that I just couldn’t continue reading.  Even when I write poetry I don’t think about rhyme schemes or anything else…I just let my emotions take over and let it flow.  And sometimes it rhymes and sometimes it doesn’t.  I don’t think about my audience or publishing it while I write because I am fully immersed in it.  I do go back and edit, rewrite, adjust, move things around, etc…, though.  But even then, it’s all about what sounds good to my ear, not the thought that fixing this or that will make it more publishable.  My method is to get it all on paper or the computer and edit it later.  It’s better to have a little time between that first draft and the editing anyway.  It helps me be just a tad more objective.  Even though I had the “I am a good writer” epiphany, I do not in any way think that I am a perfect writer.  No one is.  There are typos, mixed tenses, poor grammar, etc…, but what is in the mix is good even though it needs to be tweaked.  We all need to remember that!  Our first draft is mainly getting the ideas down on paper and not overthinking things like grammar and commas.  The second draft will tighten it up and be an improvement and future drafts will be even better than that.  So don’t be distracted by the need for it to be perfect while writing that first draft.  Not even Stephen King gets it right the very first time.  We have to believe in ourselves, our ideas and our words.  And never apologize.  If we start out apologizing, what does that say about the work and the writer?  Say we get our big chance to present to an agent or publisher and we start out with some form of an apology whether it’s outright or implied…how does that make them want to really listen or read our work?  We have to start out strong and believe in what we write.  Trust me, if there is even the tiniest mistake or misstep, someone will be more than happy to point it out.  Even then, we can’t apologize.  Acknowledge it, thank them and fix it…if it truly needs to be fixed.  If they’re wrong, tell them politely that they are wrong and tell them why.  I have characters that do not speak in a grammatically correct way so, in the context of my writing, that is perfectly fine.  It doesn’t need to be corrected because it’s not a mistake…it’s a choice that I made.  So, take all of the apologies out of the mix…even when we are talking to ourselves and judging our writing.  Be a badass writer and trust your gut!  

“Never apologize for trusting your intuition – your brain can play tricks, your heart can be blind but your gut is always right.” ~ Rachel Wolchin                

All my life, I have heard that creative people are more prone to have mental illnesses.  When you look at the creatives that have come before us, that seems to have merit.  Suicides, alcoholism, drug abuse, self-mutilation, aberrant behavior, schizophrenia, generally self-destructive behavior, etc….  I personally have been in therapy off and on since I was 21.  The last therapist that I saw for about 6 years diagnosed me with PTSD, cyclothymia (a form of bipolar disorder), suicidal ideation (which means I think about it but don’t attempt it and am not a risk to myself…basically, when depressed, I think about just not existing any longer, not actually committing suicide.  It’s a coping mechanism), anxiety, derealization/depersonalization (which are forms of dissociative identity disorder), ADHD, and OCD.  I’ve never had a problem with alcohol or drugs although I did partake in my twenties and thirties.  I have exhibited some self-destructive behavior but not to the point where I went off of the deep end…I was always able to pull myself back in before that happened.  I have never harmed myself or tried to commit suicide.  So, although I do have all of those diagnoses, I’m relatively sane.  Or appear so anyway.  Some of my diagnoses are the result of traumatic experiences in my past…PTSD, anxiety, OCD, DID, suicidal ideation…so I can’t blame it all on brain chemistry even though my shrink said that I was more susceptible to those things because of it.  So, am I creative because of all of this…because of my brain chemistry…or in spite of it?  I can say without a doubt that when I am very depressed or extremely angry, I write my very best poetry.  And when I’m on the manic side of the cyclothymia, I write excellent prose.  So, for myself, there is some correlation between my creativity and my mental state.  You often hear about artists that are being treated for schizophrenia and they say that when they are on their meds, they can’t paint…that it causes them to lose their creative ability.  So they go off of their meds in order to be creative again, which many times does not end well.  But my question is if we’re born with brain chemistry that makes us more susceptible to mental illness, does that mean that we are born with this creativity pre-installed in our brain or do we become creative because of it…is it learned behavior as a way of dealing with mental illness?  What about brilliantly creative children like Mozart who wrote his 1st full symphony at 8 and had been performing since he was 5?  Did his brilliance at such an early age foreshadow the mental illness that was to come?  Or was it just a coincidence?  I personally do not think that it’s a coincidence.  I think that there is a definite correlation between the 2 but I don’t know the “mechanics” of how it all works and happens.  I do know that there are creatives that either do not have a mental illness or have it well under control and keep it hidden and they produce spectacular works of art and writing.  I know that I exorcise a lot of my demons and negative emotions through my writing.  I know that I’ve had mental issues since childhood.  I know that I’ve had an amazing imagination since childhood.  But I don’t have any hard proof that the two things are related…it’s just my belief that they are based on observation and my own experiences.  What do you think…is it coincidence or are they related? 

“Writers can treat their mental illnesses every day.” ~ Kurt Vonnegut

 

Most writers are consumed with guilt.  And most of that guilt comes from not writing, not meeting goals, not paying enough attention to family and/or work, etc….  I am feeling that guilt this morning.  I set a goal of writing for 30 minutes last night after I got home and I didn’t do it.  I completely underestimated the effect that my diabetic episode had on me yesterday.  I got home at 6:30, changed my work clothes and got comfortable then ate in front of the TV while playing Trivia Crack (I’m addicted) and I had every intention of writing as soon as I finished eating.  Instead, I fell fast asleep and woke up over an hour later feeling like death warmed over and decided that writing just wasn’t in the cards.  And the guilt began immediately after I made that decision.  But I have something to say about guilt…get over it!  Yes, it’s good to set goals and even better to meet our goals but sometimes it’s just not going to happen.  Maybe we’re ill, have a work thing after work or a family thing or maybe we are just dead ass tired from juggling writing, work, home, and family, not getting enough sleep, etc….  We are not superheroes.  We do not wear capes…well, at least I don’t.  We are just regular human beings with too much to do and not enough time to get it all done.  Or we’re too ill or just plain worn out.  So, when that happens, take the night off…just don’t make a habit of it.  AND DON’T FEEL GUILTY ABOUT IT!  We will need to get back into our routine as soon as possible though so that we don’t lose any momentum.  Maybe we could double up on Saturday and/or Sunday to make up for that lost writing time.  After taking a day off, we might feel a bit more energized and creative because we had been running on empty for so long and that night off was just what we needed to bounce back.  We have to take care of ourselves because as writers, we are our own creative instrument.  So, get a check-up, eat healthier, stay hydrated, get enough rest, take a vacation day and have a little fun, etc…, so that our instrument is in tip-top shape because, if it isn’t, our writing will eventually suffer.  So, we have to stop beating ourselves up if we miss a writing session.  It’s not a sin for which we need absolution.  We just have to forgive ourselves and jump back into our routine.  No guilt!   

“Take care of your body.  It’s the only place you have to live.” ~ Jim Rohn               

Ever have one of those days where from the second that you wake up, every single thing goes wrong?  For me, that day is today.  I woke up and checked my blood glucose and it was LOW.  That is bad for several reasons.  First, you feel drained.  Second, you need to get it back up without pushing it too high so you drink a small glass of juice, wait 15 minutes and check it again.  Still too low…drink more juice or eat a small piece of fruit.  You keep that up until you’re back to a normal level.  All that while trying to put on makeup, fix your hair, get dressed, pack a lunch, make your coffee, etc….  It slows you down physically and mentally.  Third, and the biggest issue on the first day back at work after 5 days off, is that you feel like death warmed over all day long.  And the only way to fix it is to go to bed and sleep so I’ll feel this way all day long.  So, I finally get myself ready and get my glucose up to where it’s safe for me to drive to work.  The drive is quick and easy.  I get to work and forget to take my sunglasses off and put on my regular glasses.  The problem with that is that I only have my glasses, my favorite pair, about halfway in the pocket on my bag and they fall out just as I reach the door.  They fall lens side down so there are multiple deep scratches that line up perfectly with my pupils.  They are ruined.  I have another pair of glasses here at work that I kind of hate but I can at least see.  I finally get into my office and just dump all my stuff into the visitor’s chair.  After I take off my coat, I try pulling 1 bag out from under the others and the clip on the over the shoulder strap snaps.  Like my glasses, the strap is now useless and that makes the bag somewhat inconvenient to tote around with everything else I carry.  And it wasn’t a cheap bag.  But, now I’m safe in my office and I haven’t destroyed anything else since I broke the strap.  Still trying to get my glucose up to a decent level so I’m eating lunch a little early.  Plus, I have an appointment with my cardiovascular surgeon later this afternoon so I need to have my glucose at a steady maintainable level without letting it go too high.  If I were a full-time writer, I could deal with all of this so much better.  This is just one of the reasons that I have to get off of my ass and WRITE.  Write like the wind.  I know that the odds are against me and that unless you have a Harry Potter or Twilight in the works, the money isn’t going to be “Stephen King” kind of money but if I don’t do it, I’ll never know, will I?  That’s why we can’t give up on this dream that we have.  We are unique so our writing is unique.  No one else can tell that story.  So, even though I’m dragging myself through this day and the day, in general, has sucked, I will go home and write.  Even if it’s just 30 minutes, I will write.  Even if what I write is terrible, I will write.  That is my mantra for the day…I will write.  It should be yours as well.  Take that leap of faith and write that novel or poem and submit it.  The odds may be against us but they were also against Stephen King, J. K. Rowling, and Stephanie Meyer but they still took that leap of faith and just look at them now.  It happened to them and it could happen for us…but first, we have to write.               

A writer’s life is full of excuses.  Excuses about why we can’t write, didn’t write or did write but didn’t write as much as we planned.  Work has been too hectic and/or I’m working late.  Household chores and maintenance are taking up my time.  I need a nap because I didn’t sleep well last night.  I need to get my things together for tomorrow.  The words just aren’t flowing.  My writing haven isn’t organized the way that I want it to be and I need to work on that first because it’s distracting.  I’m watching a female Blue Jay eating berries right outside my window (that’s my excuse right now).  Everything I write is crap.  I’ll never get published, so why bother?  And so on and so forth.  We have an excuse for every possible situation.  We don’t even have to think about them…they’re right on the tip of our tongue.  Why is that?  Do we really believe our excuses when we offer them up or do we know that they are just reasons to avoid writing?  Or are they reasons to avoid possible failure?  I know that I’m guilty of that.  I’m also guilty of wanting time to just be numb to everything and when we are truly engaged when writing, the very last thing that we are is numb.  Let me also say that there is nothing wrong with needing that time but we can’t do it from the time we get home from work until bedtime every single night.  Writing can be difficult and draining so I completely understand the need to step away sometimes but the trick is…we have to come back to it sooner rather than later.  We didn’t start in order to just let it sit in our laptop, halfway completed.  We began writing it because we had something to say and we still do.  We have to get beyond the excuses and just sit down at our laptop or notebook and write.  It might be crap but we can fix that.  There is no fixing a blank page except to fill it with words…our words.  Make it a ritual.  Sit down every single night and write for 30 minutes.  Just 30 minutes.  Set a timer.  Some nights we might only type a paragraph and will be thrilled when the 30 minutes is up but other nights will be different…we will need to write for more than 30 minutes because the words are flowing and when that timer goes off we’ll slap that off button and keep on writing.  And during that 30 minutes…no distractions.  Just us and our words.  We can do 30 minutes.  We’ll put it on our calendar, we’ll tell our significant others and friends and we will set our timers and write.  After just 30 minutes, we can take out the trash, help the kids with homework, load the dishwasher, do the laundry or just numb ourselves with a movie or some music.  Or we’ll keep on writing.  No more excuses. 

“There are many excuses not to write.  Try using writing as an excuse not to do other things.” ~ J. C. Hewitt