I was sitting here in my little Writing Haven and I happened to look over at a little chest I have and there was a little sign that I’d cut out of a box that something came in and it was like seeing it for the very first time. It simply says, “Be the energy you want to attract”. I started thinking about it and my energy has been pretty lackluster lately. Part of it has to do with the fact that I have been mysteriously fatigued for a few months…I’m hoping that my neurologist can pinpoint something in my sleep study that will explain it so it can be fixed even if it involves a CPAP machine. But how can I expect to create and manifest my desires if my energy is not up to par? I’m talking about physical and mental energy. I’m not really putting much out into the universe so can I receive anything back from it? I’m working on manifesting my desires and reality but I think that if I could up my physical energy then I could also increase my mental energy. We can’t expect a garden to produce if we don’t plant good seeds and then water and fertilize them. I want my garden to grow so I am going to concentrate on my mental energy until I hear from my neurologist. I have done everything to feel better physically. My blood work is fine aside from very slight anemia…we’re talking 1 point below the norm. My diabetes is completely under control. From the outside, I look fine but I’m not. I put on my “I’m okay” face every single day and that is also draining my energy. My neurologist was so very concerned about my demeanor at my last 2 appointments. He told me that he is so used to my bubbly, talkative personality that it just really bothers him that I’m now lethargic and definitely less than bubbly. I tested positive for Epstein Barr a few years ago and wondered if this is a major flare up but two different doctors told me that since I was diagnosed with the virus it is always going to show if I’m tested for it so there’s no point in testing. If there’s nothing in my sleep study, I am going to find a specialist and get their input. I want to put a ton of energy out there but how can I when I have next to zero to spare? This isn’t exactly where I planned to go with this post but if you’d read enough of my past writings, you know that I’m a stream of consciousness kind of writer. I just go where my mind wants to lead me. And I did stay home from work today because I felt even worse than usual so I guess it was on my mind even though I hadn’t acknowledged it. I just want to feel good again and have some energy to spare for the universe. Thanks for reading and letting me ramble. I’m going to go take care of my stray and feral critters before it gets dark. I came home around 7:30 one night last week and there was a raccoon so large that I thought it was out Blue Heeler at first. Then I saw the mask. I’d rather not come face to face with that critter. Take care and keep being the energy that you want to attract. It can work miracles!
Day 122: Manifestation
I am manifesting my reality. And it’s not as “woo-woo” as some people seem to think it is. I’m not sitting here chanting or in a trance just thinking about that future reality. No. You have to work at it as well. Every single thing that anyone has ever created or brought into a state of being started out as an idea. And before they even really started working on making it a reality, they thought about it, dreamed about, imagined how it would happen and where it would take them. They saw the end result long before it became a reality. But, as they were doing this, they were also thinking about how to make it happen. You can imagine the most amazing thing but if all you do is think about it but not do anything to make it happen, there’s about a 99.9% chance of it never coming to fruition. I can sit here and imagine a story so colossal and fantastical that it is beyond anything that’s ever been written before by anyone but if I don’t sit down in front of my laptop and physically type every single letter of this story, it might as well have never been imagined. I believe that manifesting is a very powerful tool that we should all use for things both large and small but we also have to take action as well. There were probably thousands of people that imagined an automobile but Henry Ford was the one that took action. The same thing can be said about every bestselling book…others had similar ideas but never wrote the book. Others wrote the book but didn’t have confidence that it should be published. Every artist sees the finished painting, sculpture, or work of art they want to create long before they create it. But a painter has to prepare the canvas, take out their paints and brushes and actually apply that paint to the canvas for it to be a painting. So, I guess what you can take away from this post is that manifestation is great but you have work on your dreams as well. You can’t just sit and manifest them into reality based on your desire and nothing else. Believe in yourself and them but also work hard to make them happen.
Day 121 (WordPress says I’ve already posted 120 times so, obviously, I’ve doubled up on a number somewhere so I’m correcting that here): Lovely Dreary Day
I am one of those strange people that loves a dreary day…especially if it’s not cold out there. It’s 61° outside right now. And, as a side note, after several freezing days, we have a serious warming trend going on over the next five days (highs 71, 80, 75, and 77) and then, in typical Texas fashion, we will have thunderstorms on Thursday as a cold front moves in and the temperature will drop on Friday to 45°/35° with snow showers. The old joke here is that if you don’t like the weather in Texas, just wait a minute. Actually, it’s not so much a joke as it is the truth. I remember one winter day when I was pretty young and we were outside playing in shorts and then, a few hours later, it was snowing. I don’t how many Thanksgivings and Christmases we had where we wore shorts or at least lightweight clothing. We usually go years between what we in Texas consider to be significant winter events which usually means lots of icy roads and very little snow. But 8 or 9 years ago, when we hosted the Superbowl, that changed. We had over a foot of snow (see photo) as well as very icy treacherous roads and dangerously low temperatures. The DFW (Dallas – Ft. Worth) Metroplex shut down hard. ACT, where I work, was shut down for a little over a week. That wasn’t completely because of the of driving conditions though…our customers, utilities construction companies…couldn’t work because of the temperatures. The thing that I remember most was going out at night and it was just so completely and totally quiet. I had never experienced that before. And it was so beautiful. It lasted for five full days. Then the temperatures rose and life became busy and noisy again but I will always carry that silence within me. Maybe that’s why I like the dreary days so much. They make me more contemplative and I seem to daydream more too. They put me in a poetry writing mood. But at the same time, they make me want to nap. I am fighting that today because I have my sleep study tonight and I want to sleep well for my neurologist. Sleep studies are interesting in that they take you out of your home sleep environment then wire you up, literally, from the top of your head to your ankles. They record video and audio of you sleeping as well. If you happen to wake up in the middle of the night to go to the restroom, you bang three times on the headboard and they will come and hang the big box that your wires feed into around your neck so that you can move about freely. It takes about thirty minutes or so for them to wire you up initially. I will say that my doctor has very nice bedrooms to do the study in…very much like the bedroom in a nice hotel. There’s an extremely comfy bed with nice pillows, a very comfortable chair to sit in while you wait for the study to begin after being wired up, wi-fi, cable TV, DVD player, etc…, to entertain yourself with during that time. So the whole thing, in spite of the wires, is actually pretty nice. The part about waking me up at 6:00am is kind of rude though. They need a certain amount of hours where you are asleep in order to be able to see patterns so if you need to sleep longer to achieve that, they leave you alone. I just hope that they let me keep my oral appliance rather than switching me to a CPAP machine. But as long as l never have to do the MSLT (Multiple Sleep Latency Test) again for my narcolepsy, I’m all good. As I’m sure I’ve said before in some other post, for people that do not have narcolepsy, it’s just a nice series of thirty-minute naps every two hours. For narcoleptics, it a KGB torture session. After about three of those little naps, you could probably get all kinds of information out of me. So I guess that I would not be a good secret agent candidate. After so many short posts lately because of work, it appears that my brain is rambling. It’s missed spilling its guts upon the page. This really is pretty cheap therapy. WordPress should start advertising it as such. But it’s also a good way for people to see that they aren’t the only ones with minds that ramble or have sleep issues or have doubts, trials, and tribulations when it comes to their writing or life in general, etc…. I like reading blogs because so many times I feel a connection to the writer whether they write about creativity, childhood, traumas suffered and survived or a hundred other topics. Some make me think while others make me laugh or cry. And that’s good for us…very cathartic, just as our own writing is for us and others. So let it flow whether it’s straight from the brain, heart, or gut. Get it out here for yourself and others. It’s just a good thing to do.
“Sometimes when we weep in the movies we weep for ourselves for a life unlived. Or we even go to the movies because we want to resist the emotion that’s there in front of us. I think that there is always a catharsis that I look for and that makes the movie experience worthwhile.” ~ Edward Zwick
Day 119: Weekend Special
I am so very glad that this work week is almost over. I’ve been feeling the need to write and since I was getting home so late every night and working through lunch, I just didn’t have the time to do it. When you have something that is so ingrained in you like a talent, gift, or calling, you feel empty when you aren’t able to use or practice it. I’ve been feeling that way lately. Writing is something that I have to do. It’s not really a choice. And while I would love to be that published bestselling author, that isn’t why I write. It’s not why anyone writes. We write to express ourselves, cleanse ourselves, to make others laugh, cry, or experience things that they never have before. And some writer’s, like Stephen King, just want to scare the shit out of people. I want to do a little bit of all of all those things. I generally write poetry to get my anger and depression out but writing Rapture is about total and complete creation. It feeds my soul and makes me feel special for lack of a better word. And this weekend, before my sleep study tomorrow night and after I get home Sunday morning, I am going to feel special. Now, I’m going to go feel special by getting out of here and then filling up my car on the way home.
Day 118: Late Start #2
It was a busy day. I finished, proofed, and submitted a city bid, submitted 3 different sets of safety documents and reports, did 4 separate deposits and took them to the bank, went to municipal court and got the approval to take defensive driving to have my ticket dismissed, registered for defensive driving, ordered and printed out my driving record from the state, left work at 7:00 and loaded 50 pounds of dog food and 60 pounds of cat food into my car when I got home because Rick’s herniated disk is acting up. I am tired! I apologize for another short post but it’s already late and I still have things to get done here at home. I promise to post something besides my daily schedule tomorrow! Goodnight.
Day 117: Late Start
It’s 10:45pm and here I am just starting my post. I thought about skipping it but I decided that I took the 365 day blog challenge “whenever it’s easy” blog challenge. Today was challenging. I had a lot of work to do but that mostly was put off until this evening because we had a little excitement today. It started when a week or so ago the paver that is resurfacing our yard built an illegal drive out of the back of the yard across a ditch that helps prevent, only slightly, flooding on that street. Well, today the guys were using it to go get material from our temporary yard and when they finished, they didn’t shut gate. So a semi decided to use it as an exit. Apparently he didn’t know how tall his truck was and he snagged a phone line and grazed a power line which caused an arc that looked like fireworks. Oh, and did I mention that the gas company was trying to repair an active gas leak across the street from this little show? Then I had phone calls to make and reports to fill out since I’m the Safety Coordinator. Then I was able to get to my other work. I finally finished up around 7:00. And I and tired now I am going to brush my teeth and pass out! Have a great night.
Day 116: Cold, Beautiful Day
Just looking out the window, it appears to be a perfect day out there. Stepping outside, however, will quickly prove that observation to be very incorrect! It is so cold out there but fortunately, the crazy wind finally died down. When I was young, I loved the cold and hated the heat and now, I am exactly the opposite. I just want to be warm. It’s strange how much certain things about you can change and usually, it happens so gradually that you just don’t even pay any attention to the changes. Then, one morning you wake up and it seems as though everything has changed. Your likes have become dislikes and your dislikes are now likes. Most of the time it’s small things like a certain type of food or drink or a color…nothing life altering. Then there are things that will actually force you to change your life…falling in or out of love, making a big career change, or discovering your destiny or that what you thought was your destiny was just a whim. We have to be open to these changes because they are like a map that we can follow to find our true self. Maybe if I were younger and unencumbered, my dislike of the cold weather would send me off to a tropical island or Greece rather than just make me buy heavier and heavier coats each year. When my first marriage became too dangerous for me to remain in it, I fled it even though I still thought I loved my ex-husband. It took me years to realize that love had nothing to do with that marriage. So, that obviously was a change for the better. It didn’t stop me from making a few more relationship mistakes but it did teach me what I definitely did not want and that I was always free to walk away from an abusive relationship or situation. As we age, we have to learn to embrace the changes even when we aren’t 100% certain what they could mean. I have become more of a “go with the flow” person. I still am not a huge fan of some changes, obviously, but I can deal with them better than I used to. I’ve also gotten better at just waiting to see how they’ll affect my life before deciding to hate them just because they are changes. I’m still a fan of the status quo but some of the changes that have happened in my life over the last year have really led me in a better direction. I am happy with where I am right now emotionally and creatively. Change is good for us…it keeps us on our toes. And I’m definitely on my toes right now and it feels pretty good.
Day 115: Mon-UGH-day
I did not get to sleep until almost 2:00am this morning so my alarms were a very rude awakening when they all went off. Things went wrong here and there as I prepared for the day which I knew would be crazy. As soon as I got here, David was in my office and we talked about the new hire that I needed to do safety training for this morning and all of the general and safety paperwork that needed to be done. One form, the I-9, was missing the second page so I had to go online, find and print it out for him. I grab all the paperwork I needed for the safety training and head back to the desk and computer that I do the training on and the keyboard is gone but the mouse is still there. What? This is after the fact that when I checked the computer Friday, Microsoft Office had completely disappeared and I needed PowerPoint to do the training. Contacted IT and they reinstalled everything. Anyway, I go get another wireless keyboard that also had a mouse but left the old mouse and set up the new keyboard. The keyboard worked but the mouse wouldn’t. So I switched out the old mouse with the new mouse. The new mouse didn’t work either. I came back to my office and opened up another new mouse and finally, it worked. We started the training and we’d finished the PPE portion and he was taking the test when Rhonda called me and told me that we had a COD check to process and I always have to help her with it. We only get checks from one company and fortunately the kid that comes in is pretty cool because the process is kind of a nightmare even when it actually does what it’s supposed to do. Today, it didn’t do what it was supposed to do. She finally got into the program and it said the scanner couldn’t be detected. The green light was on, I checked the USB cable and it still said it wasn’t connected. I screwed around with it for a bit and finally just unplugged it for 15 seconds and plugged it back in…it was detected. We ran the check and it was approved. 10 minutes. We used to pick up the phone, call the check approval company, get the approval and it took about 2 minutes. But that wasn’t good enough…we had to go high tech even though the new tech is slower and less reliable than the low tech way we used to do it before. The company keeps making “improvements” that are no such thing. They make our lives more difficult but they look cool so they have to be better. We sell to utilities construction companies and they couldn’t care less about the latest gadget. They just want to get in and get out and have their order be correct. At least I’m done with the training and I have all of his paperwork so I’m feeling better about the day. I still have a city bid to work on, deposits to do, and I still need to get to the municipal court and get approved for taking defensive driving this week. And I have a long doctor’s appointment tomorrow…my retina specialist. It’s about 40 minutes away because of traffic and the process is just so involved once I get there. First, I go in and they check my vision, find out if I’ve changed any meds, check me for glaucoma, and then put hardcore long-acting dilation drops in my eyes. I go back out and sit until my eyes are really dilated then they call me in for the scan of both eyes. I go back and sit while they look over my scans to see if I have any issues. I go in and Dr. Chong examines my eyes very closely in the dark with an extremely bright light for a long time looking for tears, bleeds, diabetic retinopathy, macular degeneration, or some other problem. She’ll also take these metal things that are about as big around as the tip of your little finger and press hard on my actual eyeball. If I do have a tear, that means they will laser it back together. I hate that because I always just know that I’ll blink or move my eye somehow and ZAP I’m blind in one eye. After they do that, you have your fully dilated eyes and everything you see out of the lasered eye is a neon green color. It kind of sucks! The green goes away after about five or ten minutes but the dilation will last the rest of the day. I actually have to wear a pair of these rolled up really dark sunglasses that they give away because of the dilation under my regular sunglasses to be able to drive back to work. I have to go to the retina specialist regularly because of my diabetes and I also have to have my eyes checked twice a year because I’m on Plaquenil for my RA and it can damage your eyes but right now I also have some floaters and there’s some blurriness in one eye so I’m a little concerned. Dr. Chong is awesome and she really knows her stuff so I know I’m in good hands. Knowing that helps a lot. Well, I need to get that bid started. I’m still waiting on pricing from someone else who is dragging her feet and it’s not making me happy! But it will all work out. One way or the other.
Day 114: 1 Step Forward, 2 Steps Back
Yesterday, in spite of oversleeping, I managed to get all of my tarot, oracle, and angel cards arranged more or less the way I want them to be…but that arrangement will evolve over time as most things in my life usually do. I did a little rearranging in my Magical Writing Haven as well. Sounds great, right? Well, I noticed a stack of notebooks a lower shelf of one of my bookshelves and, unfortunately, decided to check them out. Well, they were a wealth of writing information that I have been collecting over the last ten years or so…online classes that I’ve taken, downloaded information and worksheets, etc…. HUGE notebooks. I brought them into my Haven and they are sitting here on one of my tables and there is absolutely no place to put them where they will be out of the way. This is is the story of my life. I get things exactly the way that I want them then someone, somewhere yells, “PLOT TWIST”. Sometimes it’s a good thing and other times it’s definitely not. Even though I don’t particularly enjoy change, especially change that I did not instigate, I have become fairly adaptive. It’s happened in relationships (friendships, family, love, and sexual), a first marriage that turned extremely abusive, jobs, college majors, passions, etc…. Basically, every possible area that you can think of in my life has been subject to these changes. Even my mind…it changes directions more than anything else does. I know that it’s partially because of my ADHD but I can’t blame it for everything. One of the things I love and hate about myself is that I love to learn and to get into new things but, as benign as that sounds, it is a slightly crazy side of me. When I decide that I want to learn or do something new, I dive into the deep end and completely immerse myself in it. I buy every book, read everything that I can find online, I enroll in classes, etc…, then I eventually move on to something else. Odds are though, that I will at some point return to the original interest at a later date. It makes me a little crazy though. It’s also one of the reasons that I don’t have my degree. I have gotten within a couple of semesters of finishing my accounting, religion, and legal studies degrees and a double major in social rehab and psychology. I have even studied sign language for a couple of years in college when I was thinking about becoming an interpreter. Why did I never graduate…because every single degree required a public speaking class and I absolutely cannot do that. A couple of years ago, my then therapist, offered to give me a written diagnosis of severe anxiety and would speak with any school at which I chose to continue my degree. At that time I really didn’t have the time for school and now with all of the reputable online colleges and universities that I’m sure don’t have that public speaking requirement, there are other options to pursue. Right now I am concentrating on my writing and studying my oracle, tarot, and angel cards so I think I’ll probably not be too concerned about finishing any of my degrees right now. I’m trying to just stay on track with those two things for now. I have to keep my wandering mind contained for a while. But right now, I have to go take care of my outdoor critters before it gets too dark and the raccoons come out and scavenge their food.
Day 113: Beautiful Day
It is a beautiful day with lots of sunshine and a bit warmer temperatures. I went out to feed my stray and feral critters and I just wanted to stay out there even though it was still a bit chilly. I have so much to do today and I actually overslept…by quite a bit but I don’t feel too badly about it except for the fact that I’ve gotten a really late start on everything I want to accomplish today. I needed that extra sleep, I guess, so I won’t beat myself up for it. And I’m still going to make sure that I get everything done that I planned to do. Sometimes you just have to listen to your body and let it get what it needs and I haven’t really been doing that as much as I should and that’s really not good for me. As creative types, we have to take care of ourselves because our brains are our tools and if we don’t take care of our body’s needs, we lose our sharpness and ability to really think as deeply as we need to be able to in order to be able to do our magical creative thing. I need to do more of that. I work too much, stay up too late, eat poorly, etc…, and I know that zaps me in general as well as my potential as a writer. I also distract myself with things that in no way helpful. I just turn my brain off and zone out. I am trying to stop it…at least the majority of it. We all need that zone out time occasionally but it’s become a habit and that’s not good for me. I have too many things that I want to do and I’m allowing myself to hide behind other things that prevent me from accomplishing them. It’s strange how our minds work. I want these things so badly yet I seem to be putting a wall up between them and myself. I’m sure that a psychiatrist would say that I have a fear of acquiring what I want and/or of being successful but I really don’t have years to spend in psychotherapy figuring out why. So I have to fix this myself…now. And, after a good, long night’s sleep, I’m ready to start tackling it today!
Inspired Writer 