Day 133: Better Now

I actually feel much better today.  I went home yesterday evening and just crashed.  I apparently slept well…maybe even had some REM time in there…because I feel alert and somewhat rested.  I haven’t felt this way in a while.  It’s so difficult just trying to function and even think when you are completely exhausted.  Every single thing that you do is a struggle…like swimming against a strong current.  No matter how hard you try, you get absolutely nowhere.  Your brain doesn’t function the way it should.  You can’t remember things or concentrate.  Everything is foggy.  And your body just wants to shut down but you have to fight it just to get through the day.  The exhaustion I’ve been feeling is so very much like what I felt years ago when I had chronic insomnia and was lucky to sleep an hour or two a night even though I’ve been going to bed at a decent hour, seem to sleep through the night since I don’t recall waking up…even though I apparently do since I take out my oral appliance and put it in the case…and I wake up at my normal time…completely and utterly exhausted.  My poor neurologist.  Every single time he fixes one problem another one springs up.  My husband likes to joke that I definitely get my money’s worth out of my doctors and that I really make them earn every penny.  I currently have a PCP (who is also a hepatologist), neurologist, retina specialist, orthopedist, rheumatologist, and cardiovascular surgeon on the payroll and I have stumped them all at one point or another.  When you’re dealing with so many different health problems, it’s sometimes difficult to make yourself write even though you want nothing more than to sit in front of your laptop and let the words just pour out of you.  Sometimes I think about how unfair it is that this is my reality.  Then I think about people like Stephen Hawking who accomplished so much while being trapped inside his ALS ravaged body.  And Helen Keller who overcame so much and became such an inspiration to so many.  Those are just two of thousands of people who have not just overcome adversity but soared in spite of it.  So how can I feel sorry for myself and whine about not feeling like writing?  No, it’s not really fair that I have all the health issues that I do but, as it’s been pointed out so many time, life is not fair.  Even the people that seem to have it all and who don’t appear to have to struggle to achieve their dreams have their problems.  They achieve what they do in spite of them.  You’re only as incapable of achieving these things as you allow yourself to believe that you are.  I’m not saying that we don’t have to stop and practice self-care because we definitely do.  Last night I had no choice but to go home and crash but tonight, I really do have a choice since I am feeling so much better.  And if I don’t choose to use it wisely, then it’s not my physical issues that are stopping me…it’s just me.  And that’s not a good reason at all.             

About Donna Heilman

I am a writer that lives in the Dallas-Ft. Worth Metroplex with my husband, 2 dogs, and 10 cats. I am currently working on my novel, Rapture, as well as writing poetry and some short non-fiction. I am honestly writing this blog to feel more connected with other creative people.
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