This week hasn’t been stellar.  As a matter of fact, it’s pretty much sucked.  Or it did until last night.  When I got home last night, I have a big brown envelope waiting for me in the mailbox.  I’m always ordering things so I just assumed that it was one of those items.  After I got inside, I looked at the envelope and it was from one of my friends and I just knew that there was something wonderful inside.  And I was so right.  Lauren had sent me a whole package of gorgeous assorted notecards and envelopes…some of which she made herself…, beautiful stationery and envelopes, greeting cards with envelopes and all of the envelopes had stamps affixed to them.  There was a very sweet card from Lauren and on top of all of that, a Clifford, the Big Red Dog beanie baby.  It turned my week around completely.  It actually made me cry.  There is no way that I could repay that total act of kindness…not that she expects to be repaid.  She is just a wonderful caring person.  It’s amazing that I could have a week of bad and 1 envelope could completely wipe it away.  But it wasn’t what was in the envelope, it was what was in the heart of the amazing person that sent it to me.  And I plan to use every single notecard, greeting card, and piece of stationery to spread her kindness even further.  And every time I send one out, I’ll remember just how much happiness that envelope brought to me and relive it each time.      

No matter what happens in our lives, good or bad, life goes on.  No matter how carefully we plan, things are going to happen that were nowhere in our Franklin Coveys or on our to-do lists.  But we press onward with our lives and our plans.  Sometimes that’s because we’re optimistic and other times we simply have no other choice.  I’ve been in both positions as have most of us.  My writing has been one of those things that’s continued…not as often or as much as I would have liked…but it never goes away.  Life continues to get in the way and usually, just as I’m digging myself out of whatever hole life has pushed me into and am starting to write again, one of two things happens…I receive some kind of inspiration (like SARK’s SWW and ROW) or I begin to doubt myself and my abilities to the point that I am on the verge of absolutely abandoning my dream.  It’s like being on a see-saw.  Up, down, up, down.  But no matter how close I come to giving it all up though, I can never quite do it.  When something is a part of your heart and soul, giving it up is not an easy thing to do even when life and the universe sometimes seem to conspire to make that happen.  I don’t continue on with it because I’m an optimist…I’m more of a realist…or because I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that one day I’ll be a famous, published author.  I do it partly because it’s such a huge part of me and largely because I’m extremely stubborn.  It just means too much to me.  So, when you’re on that see-saw, just remember that for every time you’re down, there will be another time that you’re up.  Keep doing what you love no matter what life throws at you.  You’ll be glad that you did.           

One thing that I  fight with on a daily basis is a plethora of distractions that tend to keep me away from my writing more than I would like.  I think that we all have that problem to one degree or another.  Sometimes I can control it but after spending my day multi-tasking times ten here at work and working through lunch, I just want to turn my brain off and veg.  The problem with that is I only have about three and a half hours from the time I usually get home until I go to bed to eat, take care of critters, spend time with my husband, get things ready for the next day and just breathe for a few minutes.  I know that even thirty minutes of writing is something but it just seems to take so much effort.  I also know that I have to make that effort if ever want to finish Rapture.  So I have to reconcile those disparate things.  This is a continuing theme in my writing efforts.  When you have to work a day job and you can only write after work and on the weekend, it’s difficult to make yourself do it because it’s not unlike having a second job and who’s ever excited about that?  So I have the mindset that I am working a second and be my own boss.  I’ll let you know how that goes.  

Last night, I was having a little trouble falling asleep so I was just looking through my iPhone and getting rid of some contacts that are no longer actually contacts.  And I came across one name that gave me pause.  Jay.  We have been friends since 1988.  He is my very best friend.  We have been through so much together…divorces, various relationships…we dated for a while but we are just too much alike for that to have ever worked out…, heartbreaks, career changes, 2nd marriages and a 3rd marriage for him, and so much more.  We bonded over books and a warped sense of humor at the wholesale produce company where we worked.  At that time, my life was in major transition and I was finally figuring out exactly who I was and what I was capable of in every area of my life.  It was an exciting and scary time.  Anyway, about 8 years ago, our lives totally diverged.  Jay moved to Alaska and then he was in the Philippines courting his now wife and mother of his son (that was born this weekend) that he was introduced to by her cousin and now back in Anchorage.  I was buried at work and wasn’t in the best place emotionally so we drifted apart…more my fault than his.  So, last night, I messaged and apologized for basically cutting him out of my life.  I wished him happiness.  Within 10 minutes, he had messaged me back and we were right back in our groove like no time had passed.  And the 3,000 miles don’t mean anything.  That’s what friendship is about.  And my tribe is growing.  I almost deleted Jay from my contacts last night but I just had to reach out.  That kind of bond doesn’t just go away.  Thankfully.  So, just a word of advice, before you completely walk away from someone that hasn’t done you harm…mentally, emotionally or physically…do yourself a favor and reach out 1 more time.  You never know where it might lead.

I was sitting here in my little Writing Haven and I happened to look over at a little chest I have and there was a little sign that I’d cut out of a box that something came in and it was like seeing it for the very first time.  It simply says, “Be the energy you want to attract”.  I started thinking about it and my energy has been pretty lackluster lately.  Part of it has to do with the fact that I have been mysteriously fatigued for a few months…I’m hoping that my neurologist can pinpoint something in my sleep study that will explain it so it can be fixed even if it involves a CPAP machine.  But how can I expect to create and manifest my desires if my energy is not up to par?  I’m talking about physical and mental energy.  I’m not really putting much out into the universe so can I receive anything back from it?  I’m working on manifesting my desires and reality but I think that if I could up my physical energy then I could also increase my mental energy.  We can’t expect a garden to produce if we don’t plant good seeds and then water and fertilize them.  I want my garden to grow so I am going to concentrate on my mental energy until I hear from my neurologist.  I have done everything to feel better physically.  My blood work is fine aside from very slight anemia…we’re talking 1 point below the norm.  My diabetes is completely under control.  From the outside, I look fine but I’m not.  I put on my “I’m okay” face every single day and that is also draining my energy.  My neurologist was so very concerned about my demeanor at my last 2 appointments.  He told me that he is so used to my bubbly, talkative personality that it just really bothers him that I’m now lethargic and definitely less than bubbly.  I tested positive for Epstein Barr a few years ago and wondered if this is a major flare up but two different doctors told me that since I was diagnosed with the virus it is always going to show if I’m tested for it so there’s no point in testing.  If there’s nothing in my sleep study, I am going to find a specialist and get their input.  I want to put a ton of energy out there but how can I when I have next to zero to spare?  This isn’t exactly where I planned to go with this post but if you’d read enough of my past writings, you know that I’m a stream of consciousness kind of writer.  I just go where my mind wants to lead me.  And I did stay home from work today because I felt even worse than usual so I guess it was on my mind even though I hadn’t acknowledged it.  I just want to feel good again and have some energy to spare for the universe.  Thanks for reading and letting me ramble.  I’m going to go take care of my stray and feral critters before it gets dark.  I came home around 7:30 one night last week and there was a raccoon so large that I thought it was out Blue Heeler at first.  Then I saw the mask.  I’d rather not come face to face with that critter.  Take care and keep being the energy that you want to attract.  It can work miracles!    

I am manifesting my reality.  And it’s not as “woo-woo” as some people seem to think it is.  I’m not sitting here chanting or in a trance just thinking about that future reality.  No.  You have to work at it as well.  Every single thing that anyone has ever created or brought into a state of being started out as an idea.  And before they even really started working on making it a reality, they thought about it, dreamed about, imagined how it would happen and where it would take them.  They saw the end result long before it became a reality.  But, as they were doing this, they were also thinking about how to make it happen.  You can imagine the most amazing thing but if all you do is think about it but not do anything to make it happen, there’s about a 99.9% chance of it never coming to fruition.  I can sit here and imagine a story so colossal and fantastical that it is beyond anything that’s ever been written before by anyone but if I don’t sit down in front of my laptop and physically type every single letter of this story, it might as well have never been imagined.  I believe that manifesting is a very powerful tool that we should all use for things both large and small but we also have to take action as well.  There were probably thousands of people that imagined an automobile but Henry Ford was the one that took action.  The same thing can be said about every bestselling book…others had similar ideas but never wrote the book.  Others wrote the book but didn’t have confidence that it should be published.  Every artist sees the finished painting, sculpture, or work of art they want to create long before they create it.  But a painter has to prepare the canvas, take out their paints and brushes and actually apply that paint to the canvas for it to be a painting.  So, I guess what you can take away from this post is that manifestation is great but you have work on your dreams as well.  You can’t just sit and manifest them into reality based on your desire and nothing else.  Believe in yourself and them but also work hard to make them happen.    

I am so very glad that this work week is almost over.  I’ve been feeling the need to write and since I was getting home so late every night and working through lunch, I just didn’t have the time to do it.  When you have something that is so ingrained in you like a talent, gift, or calling, you feel empty when you aren’t able to use or practice it.  I’ve been feeling that way lately.  Writing is something that I have to do.  It’s not really a choice.  And while I would love to be that published bestselling author, that isn’t why I write.  It’s not why anyone writes.  We write to express ourselves, cleanse ourselves, to make others laugh, cry, or experience things that they never have before.  And some writer’s, like Stephen King, just want to scare the shit out of people.  I want to do a little bit of all of all those things.  I generally write poetry to get my anger and depression out but writing Rapture is about total and complete creation.  It feeds my soul and makes me feel special for lack of a better word.  And this weekend, before my sleep study tomorrow night and after I get home Sunday morning, I am going to feel special.  Now, I’m going to go feel special by getting out of here and then filling up my car on the way home.