Torn between feeling nostalgic and looking to the future so I’m doing both…listening to the music that defined my late twenties and thirties while contemplating this new year and what I plan to accomplish and how I’m going to do it. The slate is wiped clean once again and the past is behind us along with our failures and aborted attempts at making our dreams a reality. But do we really have to wait for a new year to realize this and act upon it? Each day that we wake up is a new beginning with a future that is wide open waiting for us to become the person that we’ve always wanted to be and to accomplish our goals. Every new year, I buy different planners because I’m searching for the perfect one that will guide me through the year and help me to become the me that I know I am inside that hasn’t been completely revealed yet. All this while knowing that a planner isn’t going to make that happen…it could help but I have everything inside of me that I need to accomplish this. My biggest problem is that my follow through is severely lacking. I work late one night and don’t feel like writing, so I don’t. The next evening I’m too tired or stressed. And the next day I just decide that I’ll just make up for the time on the weekend…but I don’t. Maybe I’m listening to this music today to remind me that when I was twenty-seven to thirty-five, I was working two and three jobs to get by and I still made time to write and, of course, party. I wasn’t married then so that adds a new complication to my just coming home from work and locking myself in my magical writing haven until bedtime. I don’t want to be the type of person that does that to their husband. Another difference between my past and my current situation is that I wasn’t on all of my sleep meds like I am now. My insomnia really helped me to keep up that lifestyle back then. And now, of course, I’m twenty-plus years older than I was then so my energy level and stamina is less than it used to be. What it comes down to in the end though is do I want this? Do I want to finish Rapture? Do I want to get published? Yes, yes, and yes. Only I can make those things happen so I need to get off of my ass and do it. I have the tools, desire, and ability to do it. I just have to commit to it. I also need to sit down with my husband and have a talk about this and what it will take from me to get there. He is 100% supportive and has never said anything about the time I spend on my craft so it’s not really an issue but I just want to include him in the process. It’s only fair. It’s time to stop organizing my space and start using it for that which I designed it to be used. As I wrote that last sentence, the Tracy Chapman song, “Change” began to play and it kind of sums it all up. “How bad, how good does it need to get? How many losses, how much regret? What chain reaction would cause an event?” Well, thinking about it, writing about it then having Tracy bring it full circle with this song might be my chain reaction. It’s a new day, a new year, and a slightly newer version of me so what do I have to lose besides excuses and regrets? So, here I go.
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