Day 186: Life Goes On…And On and On

That’s not a bad thing except when bad things are happening in your life and you want nothing more than to crawl into bed, pull the covers up over your head and sleep for a few days.  But you can’t because you have a family, work, organizations, etc…,  that are depending on you to do what you’re supposed to be doing.  You have to take care of sick family members, check your child’s homework, earn money to pay the bills, call the plumber, finish that report for your boss, and a multitude of other things.  Then, and only then, can you pull those covers up over your head.  If life weren’t that way, planner companies and self-help programs and authors would go out of business.  I personally have bought more than my fair share of Franklin Covey and Day Runner planners, organization and self-help books and any and everything that might help me stay on track and keep up with my responsibilities.  Some have helped and some were a huge waste of money.  But I’m still on the lookout for that magical formula that will get and keep my life organized and on track.  I’ve found bits and pieces but I’m still looking for everything in 1 planner, book, or program.  I really like Danielle LaPorte’s planner.  It’s based on her Core Desired Feelings.  It gets to the heart of what you desire and how you desire to feel.  And what you need to do to achieve both.  I just got a new planner that is all about working your plan to reach your goal in a year.  Let’s just see how that works.  Fortunately, it’s not dated so you can start at any time.  I plan to start on Saturday.  I’m not giving up on my goal of being a published author so I will keep searching for the best way to get there until I do actually get there!  And I will get there.          

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Day 185: The Sun Is Shining Again

As much as I love the storms, I also love what it feels like after the storms have passed.  The air is clean, the sun is brighter, and it just feels crisp outside even though it should be a bit too warm for the air to actually feel crisp.  I think that the electrical charge of the lightning has something to do with that…ions and all.  Everything just feels lighter, including me.  It’s a very good feeling.  I feel like setting goals and actually meeting them…not procrastination.  All of that is in spite of having a terrible toothache.  And why do I have that?  Cowardice, pure and simple.  I have an awful phobia when it comes to dentists and any kind of dental procedure.  I have to have nitrous just to have a cavity filled.  This isn’t some random phobia…I earned it.  When I was 17, our family dentist was performing what should have been a run of the mill root canal, because he was addicted to pain medicine, it went wrong.  First, it started at 7:30am and I didn’t get out of that room until after 3:00pm.  I was on nitrous the entire time.  And that root canal caused me issues for years.  It took 8 years for me to go back to a dentist.  And he was awesome.  It was through him that I found that Dr. Thorsen was a drug addict and had killed himself by overdosing on pain meds.  Being a diabetic, I am already predisposed to complications when it comes to dental procedures so even though my new dentist was beyond excellent,  every procedure had complications. When I had my 2 wisdom teeth extracted, I had dry sockets continuously for almost 2 weeks because they wouldn’t heal. Then I had to go to an endontist to have that original root canal redone…3 times. He drilled in through the top of the crown twice then he finally had to go into it from the bottom. So, more dental trauma. All went pretty well from that point on but after my dentist retired, I had some more bad experiences. But now I’m with a good dentist so I trust his referral to the oral surgeon. And now, whether I trusted the referral or not, I have no choice. At least they use anesthesia so I’ll be out! I can do that! But I am not getting the implant because I don’t want to risk it. My bottom teeth are a little crowded so I thing I’ll be okay with the teeth spreading out. Now the dread sets in but it’s hurting so badly that I will almost be relieved to get it done. Almost.

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Day 184: Feeling Nostalgic

I was going through all of my music and came across 1 of my absolute, total, and complete favorites…Nanci Griffith.  During my abusive marriage and my eventual escape, I listened to her nonstop.  I 1st discovered her in 1985 when she made her 1st appearance on a PBS show called Austin City Limits.  You could just hear Texas when she spoke and sang.  She has been classified as a folk, country, and pop artist.  I think she’s most definitely a folk singer.  She writes a large number of her songs, plays acoustic guitar, and has a wonderful, melodious singing voice with such range.  I bought all of her cassettes, then upgraded to CDs, then everything available on iTunes, and now she has her own playlist in my Amazon Music Unlimited.  I have taken her with me for 34 years and counting.  I always listened to her when I was writing because she inspired me.  She was born and raised in Texas, just like me, was creative and a poet, also like me, and her poetry and music has been played and heard all over the world, just like I want my writing to be read.  She made me want to be someone’s touchstone.  I feel like I owe a lot to Nanci Griffith…for being my comfort in difficult times, for making me want to dance in happier times, for putting me to sleep at night and waking me up in the morning, and making me truly crave to express my creativity through my writing.  I guess that what I’ve been missing lately is Nanci backing me up.  Well, she’s back now and I’m ready to create!  Also, if you’ve never heard of her…give her a listen.  I like her earlier music best because it was there for me when I felt afraid and lost and then helped me emerge from that time of my life.

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Day 183: Everything Is As Magical As You’re Willing to Let It Be

I am sitting here in my Magical Writing Haven watching and hearing magic.  We are in the midst of a storm and fortunately, it’s not an especially violent one…nearby counties to the east and south of us are in a tornado watch but we are not.  That doesn’t mean that a tornado definitely won’t happen, just that statistically it’s not as likely to happen.  In Texas during the springtime, we go on high alert when the skies begin to grow dark, the wind picks up and grows calm and it becomes eerily quiet and then the silence is broken by the crash of thunder and the darkening skies are illuminated by strike after strike of lightning.  But in this moment, the thunder and lightning are so just amazing…so loud and bright.  And in the midst of all that, there are doves cooing outside my window.  Such a juxtaposition between the violence of a storm and the peace that is implied by the presence of the doves.  While we Texans are hunkered down and trepidatious in the midst of a spring storm, nature just keeps doing its thing with little to no worries.  Maybe we all need to internalize that message…no matter how chaotic and scary life is, we can’t spend all of our time worrying about it.  We have to address the chaos and fear, then move on and be our best self.  Turn those things into something positive.  Like so many people have pointed out, our lives are not a dress rehearsal…this is it…opening night and everyone that loves and hates us, as well as complete strangers, your critics, and people that are just hoping that you’ll trip and fall flat on your face when you emerge from the wings of the stage are here.  So step onto the stage, hit your mark, and give them the show of a lifetime.  And then wait for the applause.

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Day 182: The Calm

Today has actually been pretty calm and uneventful.  No emergencies to be handled.  No blood lost.  No excitement at all.  I like it but also worry about the proverbial calm before the storm so I can’t let myself relax just yet.  I will feel better once I get out of here and get home.  Then I’ll be able to breathe.  I’m hoping that the weekend is just as quiet so I can get some creativity flowing and actually complete something.  I think that I’ll spend some time doing a little “me” work as well.  But right now, I am going to get a couple of things finished here, get some way too expensive gas, head home, feed my strays and ferals, get inside, get comfortable while Rick fixes fried cod, and homemade onion rings.  After that, I’ll either get creative or go to bed so I can get an early start tomorrow.  Depends on how I feel.  I’ll let you know tomorrow!       

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Day 181: Why?

It’s 9:00pm and I’ve been home for about 45 minutes. Work went crazy today. I had a stack of paperwork to fill out for a couple of municipal bids but I had to put that aside because there was a bit of an emergency at work and, since I’m over operations and safety, it all fell on me to handle it. I had to get plumbers, Atmos Energy (natural gas) emergency people out as well Dallas’s emergency water utilities personnel to come out…all after 3:00pm. And you know what? I got it done. Of course, I was there until after 8:00pm. I haven’t eaten dinner. I’m tired. I already dread my alarms going off tomorrow morning. But I am so happy that tomorrow is Friday! I just can’t catch a break though. There’s either a work emergency or home emergency. Rick is still struggling because of his low blood pressure but we’ve gone over 48 hours with no blood loss. I told him today that I’m going to get a sign like places have that say no accidents in x# of days except it will say no blood lost in x# of days. You have to have a sense of humor about it or it will really get you down. Well, that’s about all I have to say. And I still need to find something to eat. Have a great night!

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Day 180: Short and To the Point

I am running on about 2 hours of sleep and am about half brain dead after taking a required online safety training class that took most of the day and I still have material that I have to study offline.  At least it was interesting…to me anyway.  So, why did I only get a couple of hours of sleep last night?  Rick.  After I published my blog yesterday afternoon, I decided to take a nap.  About 15 minutes into the nap, I’m just about asleep when I hear Rick screaming, “DONNA, DONNA, HELP ME, I NEED YOUR HELP!”  So, I jump up and run out of the bedroom and I see him sitting on a stool with his back to me.  Just as I come around the counter into the kitchen, I see an arc of blood squirt across the kitchen and my 1st thought was that he’d somehow opened the previous wound but, now, it was a new 1 on his other leg.  He’s holding a blood-soaked wad of paper towels against it and I grabbed our newly expanded first aid kit that includes the same kind of bandages that the EMTs used on Thursday to stop the blood flow as well as some Israeli battle ready compression bandages.    I grabbed the EMT type bandage and went to work.  Got it on, topped it with a wide ACE bandage and that stopped it.  If it hadn’t, I don’t know that I had another trip to the ER left in me.  He’s doing well.  Blood pressure is still really low so his doctor took him off of some of his blood pressure medication.  Hopefully, that will help.  Now, I am going home, getting things done, and go to bed early.  Hopefully, there will be no more of Rick’s blood spilled tonight or any other night.    

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Day 179: Taking It Easy

Rick’s procedure was moved to May 29th because his blood pressure is still too low for them to do it today.  I decided to stay home anyway since I had the day off planned for over a month.  I don’t have anything urgent or pending because after the 1st business day of the month when we’re closing out the previous month, most of my workload is made up of spur of the moment things that someone else was supposed to deal with but didn’t, municipal bids, special projects, helping others, and printing our documents and plans for projects that we’re going to bid.  From the middle of the month to the end, it becomes mostly safety-centric.  My busiest day of the month is usually the last day when I’m putting together all of my reports and paperwork that has to be scanned or emailed to our corporate office in Houston. The good thing is that the days go by so much faster when I’m really crazy busy.  The highlight of yesterday happened when I got home and checked the snail mail.  There was an envelope from the U.S. District Court for the Northen District of Texas.  It was a notice that I had to go online and complete the questionnaire for federal jury service to see if I qualify for said jury service.  I did and I am.  So, for a period of 2 years, I will be in the federal court jury pool.  It kind of sucks but there are a couple of pluses…you get paid $50/day from the 1st day plus $20/day reimbursement for having to travel to and park at the courthouse and federal cases would have to be more interesting that DUI cases which are all I’ve ever been chosen for at the county level.  But there is something a little bit interesting about this and I’m going to sound like a conspiracy theorist when I do tell you.  I received a county jury summons last month, which I got postponed until June and then I receive this questionnaire on April 1st.  This all happened within a couple of weeks of my completion of defensive driving to have a speeding ticket dismissed.  All that I need is a city jury summons to complete the trifecta and make me start wearing a tin foil hat and encrypting all of my emails and data.  Seriously though, it’s quite a coincidence.  Well, it’s almost 4:00pm and I want to work on some things so I think I’ll do that now.  Have a great evening!           

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Day 178: Ebb & Flow

Ebb and flow tells us that things happen in their own time…things are taken away and things are given.  There are things that we as humans have absolutely no control over.  Many times we think that we have that control, but we really do not and that feeling of control will die away only after we are taught the harsh lesson of “you have absolutely no control” by the universe.  Maybe that lesson will come in the form of an illness or a tragic accident or a senseless act of violence.  33 years ago last week, I was taught that extremely harsh lesson when my fiance was killed in a plane crash.  He was there 1 minute and gone the next.  16 years ago last week, I was in a very bad head-on collision and fractured my pelvis, broke several ribs, and my clavicle.  I was 1 gigantic bruise.  And, of course, my car was demolished.  I had always felt like I had at least a modicum of control while driving and even when I saw that truck heading right at me in my lane, I still felt that way as I moved to the far right lane.  But the universe said, “haha” and he went to that lane as well.  Who knows why, but he did.  To this day, I still worry about opposing traffic.  In my life, I’ve had 4 cars totaled by men in trucks…1 rear-end collision while I was sitting at a stop sign and the truck was going between 65mph – 75mph, t-boned twice on my side, and the head-on collision.  But the head-on collision was the 1 that took my feeling of being in control away from me.  Maybe this whole ebb and flow thing is why I keep procrastinating about finishing Rapture.  Maybe the fear of being rejected or of not being good enough or of poor book sales or of bad reviews is what’s stopping me.  People and things have been yanked away from me with little to no warning…why not this dream of mine?  As long as my book is in limbo, I don’t have to worry about any of those things.  But the second I sit down to actually work on the book, I’m moving closer to fulfilling my goal and closer to possible failure and I hit that proverbial brick wall.  The thing is, I erected that freaking wall so I obviously have the ability to tear it the hell down.  I just have to get past the fear of failure.  I also have to think about the fact that by not completing Rapture, I am ensuring my failure as a writer.  Maybe that’s my way of having control.  Who knows?  All I do know is that since we can’t control the external ebb and flow, we need to just accept that and move forward.  We can’t relinquish control of the things that are ours to control.  And we can’t be afraid to move forward and head toward our dreams full speed ahead.  We owe that to ourselves.          

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Day 177: Things Are Looking Up

It’s a new day and a new week.  The sun is shining again and it’s a nice day even though it’s a bit cooler out there…but there’s no wind so that is pretty awesome.  And, I saw my 1st dragonfly of the year.  Hopefully, that’s a good sign.  Rick is doing so much better.  He’s regaining his strength and the wound is healing very well.  He’s trying to do too much though and he gets lightheaded.  I keep trying to impress upon him just how much blood he lost and I think that I finally got through to him today.  But now he’s trying to figure out a way to postpone the cardiac ablation on Tuesday.  I’m fighting him every step of the way though.  It has to be done and, if it works like it’s supposed to, it should take him out of A-fib and he’ll feel so much better.  But he hates hospitals with a passion!  And he makes that known to every nurse, CNA, doctor, etc…  I spend most of my time while there apologizing to everyone that has come into contact with him.  Funny thing though, he was nice the entire time he was at Parkland.  I chalk that up to the blood loss.  I’ve been doing a little rearranging here in my Magical Writing Haven.  Of course, that really means that I’m finding space to bring more of my writing books in here.  I think that I’ve exceeded the weight-bearing limit of my new shelves.  I could die any minute if they suddenly break apart and all of the books come down like a bound paper avalanche.  I might not be able to dig my way out from under them.  Oh well, as people have a tendency to say…I will have died doing what I love.  I am so wanting to take a nap now but I have to be strong and resist the temptation if I am to have any hope of going to sleep tonight even close to when I should.  Monday is always a bit of a beatdown and adding lack of sleep into the equation makes it unbearable.  And I’ve got some things that I have to get done fast tomorrow morning so I need to be awake…or at least as awake as I can be on a Monday morning.  While my body is tired at night, my brain goes into hyperdrive and shutting it down is an almost impossible task.  And it’s even worse now that I’m off of my sleep schedule.  Well, if I don’t get up and move around right now, I’m going to fall asleep in my chair.  I hope that we all have a good Monday.  And, with that, I’m hitting publish.       

 

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