They are predicting for today and tonight the worst storms that we’ve all year.  Severe thunderstorms, baseball-sized hail and, of course, the ever-present possibility of tornadoes.  If I were at home, I’d be a bit trepidatious but thrilled because our house was built in 1956…4 years before I was born…and it’s down in a little valley so I know it’s a strong house and just a bit safer since it is in the valley.  But I also know that if an F5 tornado hits, unless you’re in a cellar or reinforced room, you’d definitely better get in your bathtub and cover it up with a mattress and pray.  I remember when I was back in grade school and the weather got bad, we’d get beneath our desks and cover our heads.  Of course, all of the classrooms at our elementary school had 1 whole side of the room that was windows so I don’t think that the “duck and cover” system was going to work too well in the event of a serious tornado.  I have a very healthy respect for the storms we get here in Texas but I have very rarely panicked because of it.  My mom, on the other hand, would freak out while dad was calm and collected.  My mom was an alarmist about anything that was outside of her comfort zone and that’s really not a good thing for your children to witness.  She always took everything to the absolute worst possible outcome.  When we were both in grade school, once a week after picking us up…because we’d get snatched by some perv if we walked thru all of the safe neighborhoods to and from school..we’d stop at the convenience store and get a coke and some candy.  1 day my 6 or 7-year-old brother said that he wanted to work in a convenience store…because they had cokes and candy and Slurpees and gum, etc…and instead of just saying something benign she told him that someone would come in, rob, and shoot him dead.  Pretty much any possible career paths we mentioned as children were met with her standard, “you can’t because you’ll die a horrible death” spiel.  That woman could find a way for someone to die no matter what they were doing.  And it wasn’t just die…it was die a horribly painful death.  Fortunately, my dad was the voice of reason but the damage had been done and the die cast by the time I was in junior high.  My mom was basically 1 fear filled pinata.  There were so many things that I wanted to do when I was younger but my mom had caused me to be afraid of everything.  And if she couldn’t fill me with fear about something, she would guilt the hell out of me so I missed out on so many opportunities.  She had the apron strings tied very tightly to us and she never loosened them.  I went through 4 years of JROTC in high school and moved quickly up the ranks.  In my senior year, a Marine recruiter began trying to recruit me.  Hard.  He’d show up during my ROTC class, he’d call my home, and then he made the mistake of showing up at my house 1 day.  My mom totally jumped his shit and told him in no uncertain terms that he was to leave me alone and stop recruiting me.  I never saw him again.  I’ve looked back over the years and thought that I would have excelled in the Corp.  The discipline, camaraderie, the mission, the travel, the education, and, of course, being able to retire relatively early and start a 2nd career.  At 17, I wanted to go to work where my friends were working…fast food or retail.  Nope, I’d get killed by armed robbers.  I wanted to go away to college for my freshman year…nope, I’d be abducted and, you guessed it, killed.  After my second year of junior college, I was offered a scholarship at the American University in Washington, D.C. but my mom guilted into turning it down.  Where would I be now if I’d gone?  Most of my life is made up of the where would I be now if she hadn’t projected her fears and guilt upon me.  The 1 time that I defied her was when I decided to leave my abusive 1st marriage.  I told her for the 1st time that he was abusing me and that I was looking for an apartment.  Her response was that I couldn’t leave him because then who would look after me?  WTF???  I had a full-time and 2 part-time jobs and was the main breadwinner of the house.  She went on…if I lived alone in an apartment, I’d be raped and killed so I needed to move back home.  Nope to that.  I had gone from living with my parents to being married so I wasn’t going to go backward.  I was finally ready to spread my wings and fly.  And I did.  I weathered figurative and literal storms all on my own.  I did stupid things and took risks and lived to tell about it…well, a lot of it.  Some of it will never be told so only the others involved know about those things.  I lived on my own for almost 8 years, dated a lot of different types of people but never got too serious with any of them but remained friends with most of them, partied a little too much, came and went as I pleased, and, basically, grew the hell up.  I always say that I was doing in my late 20’s and early 30’s what most people had done in their teens so I was a bit smarter about the things that I did so I didn’t end up making too many stupid mistakes.  At 31, my mom and I made peace with each other after 30 pretty contentious years.  And she told me later that she was proud of me and who I’d become.  I had proved that I didn’t “need” anyone to take care of me.  I began to understand her better as time passed.  She was raised in a time when women were more submissive and they were wives, homemakers, and mothers.  They were dependent upon their husbands.  They were the “weaker sex.”  Well, bullshit to that!  She actually started bucking that system as she got older.  It was fun to watch.  And, the thing is, my dad actually respected her more when she did that.  She got a job.  She didn’t worry as much about having dinner on the table the second he walked in the door or cooking an elaborate breakfast each morning.  Dad began to do some of the cooking as well as other things that mom had always done.  And when Mom’s Alzheimer’s got really bad, he took care of her.  He’d go get her every day from the assisted living center and bring her home so she could be with Radar, her beloved German Shepherd, and be in more familiar surroundings.  He’d cook and then feed her.  He’d help her in the restroom.  He’d comb her hair and dress her.  He worried about her constantly.  If you’d known my dad say 25 years before this, you would have never guessed that this would have happened.  I wish that mom could have been cognizant of this change in him even for a day.  My dad was pretty lost when she finally passed.  WOW, I’ve kind of taken you on a long trip through my life and it all began because of the impending storms.  I guess that a lot of things happen because of impending storms.  Well, hopefully, this will be a day of intense but not tornadic storms.  And no baseball-sized hail pounding my car and our roof.  Plus, if there’s hail then there’s a good chance that there will be some tornado watches and warnings.  So, fingers crossed!                                                          

I didn’t feel too well on Sunday night and then I woke up feeling terrible yesterday so I stayed home. My gallbladder was on a rampage so there was both pain and an upset stomach. And I just felt awful. I didn’t eat anything and I slept all day long. I did drink a Pepsi and took Pepcid though. I didn’t do a blog post because I just wasn’t up to it. I went to bed early and slept through the night. I feel better today and even made it to work. I’m eating bland right now though until my gallbladder is happier. I’ve had issues with it since I was a teenager and have had flare ups off and on since then. But it’s been pretty calm for quite awhile…that is until I started using Victoza for my diabetes. It has been wreaking havoc on my gallbladder since I began injecting it. I’ve finally decided that I don’t want to deal with it any longer. I don’t want my gallbladder to cause problems with my pancreas or liver. So, I’m done. I’m going to talk to my PCP about whether I should have my gallbladder removed or not. I worry about developing gallstones and then having to have it removed the old fashioned way which is major surgery rather than the easy way that they do it now. Enough of that. I’m going to go to bed early again tonight. I’ll be back tomorrow.

Yesterday, we had storms all day.  Nature, with its dark skies, rain, wind, thunder, and lightning, put on an amazing show.  It began very early and continued throughout the night.  But now, it is a gorgeous sunny day with all the critters making full use of the cool sunny weather.  Birds, squirrels, dragonflies, honeybees, and butterflies are now putting on their amazing show.  I have my Paddywax Jane Austen candle burning…it’s gardenia, tuberose, and jasmine…and the scent is so spring-like.  On stormy days, I usually burn the John Steinbeck candle which is smoked birch and amber or my Earnest Hemingway candle which is cardamom, absinthe, and sandalwood.  Of the 3 candles I currently have, my favorite is the Steinbeck candle.  I’ve always liked those “heavier” scents.  My very favorite combination of essential oils that I wear is patchouli and jasmine.  Those are 2 of my very favorite scents.  If I wear actual cologne or perfume, I prefer things like Phlur’s Greylocke or 1 of the many that I have that has a hint of patchouli.  A more sensuous scent, if you will.  Smell is 1 of my strongest senses.  I can smell something and it will take me back to the exact time that I first experienced it.  It will bring a rush of memories…good or bad…to which I physically and emotionally react.  The same thing happens when I listen to music which also brings back a flood of memories.  It’s amazing how our mind and body react to these things…how we can feel the exact emotion that we had originally felt upon experiencing those scents and sounds.  I might laugh or cry, smile or feel regret or a twinge of sadness or a sense of loss, or it might even drag me down into full-blown depression for a while.  Yesterday, I took a musical trip back to the past and it was good for both my heart and soul.  It was not unlike yesterday’s storm that came through and cleared the air of its heaviness and then today’s brilliant sunshiney beauty which is so light and airy.  We live in cycles…up and down and in between, just like the weather.  It’s natural and there’s no way around it.  We just have to experience it as it happens and know that changes are always on the way.  A natural rhythm.  Nothing is permanent because the wheel is always turning.

I just wanted to say that if you’re into scents like I am, you really do need to check out Paddywax’s line of candles.  They have the authors line, apothecary line, and several others.  Every one of the candles that I have purchased, through Amazon, have been amazing.  They are a little pricey but worth it.  They are hand poured soy wax and are made in Nashville, TN.  They are long burning and some are subtle while others are extremely fragrant.  Just search for Paddywax to see all of their candles.

I have been setting up my new computer, listening to Tom Petty’s The Best of Everything, The Definitive Career Spanning Hits Collection 1976 – 2016  and watching and listening to the storms.  Storms make me happy.  Even when they are violent, they make me feel peaceful.  It’s as though the rain is washing away all the negative things from inside and outside of me.  The storms have dissipated for now but there are more out west that seem to be heading this way so this evening could be exciting.  But, I do love watching lightning when it’s dark outside.  The computer setup was uneventful even though I couldn’t do exactly what I had planned to do.  1 thing that I truly love about this computer is that the camera actually slides in and out of the top of the computer so that when you’re not using it, you can just push it back down and not have to worry about someone sneaking onto the camera uninvited.  Oh, now the music has changed…Toad the Wet Sprocket.  They are 1 of my favorite ’80s – ’90s bands.  Their album Dulcinea was my favorite album for the longest time.  Something’s Always Wrong is from that album and it is such a deep song…especially if you listen and read the lyrics at the same time to see the “spaces in between”.  Music is such a huge part of my life.  My dad was and my brother is so extremely instrumentally and vocally talented.  I did not receive the instrumental gene but did get the vocal gene, however, I did a lot of damage to my vocal abilities in my 20s.  I sang in local bands and did a little studio backup singing when my brother was working as a sound engineer.  Because of my introversion, in order to be able to really belt out a song onstage, I had to be, let’s just say, drunk on my ass.  I belted so hard and so often while so drunk, that I damaged my vocal cords and, instead of following my doctor’s orders to rest and take care of them, I just kept belting out the tunes because I had more loyalty to the bands than to my own wellbeing.  I usually sang alto but could hit the high notes when necessary.  That is no longer true.  I do okay as long as I stick to the lower registers.  I was young, stupid, and didn’t know any better.  About the only time I sing when others are around is when I’ve had a bit too much tequila, which doesn’t happen that often.  But I’ve been singing today here in my Magical Writing Haven while setting up the computer and listening to the wind, rain, and thunder.  It was a great accompaniment but I’m a little hoarse now.  That happens more often as I get older.  Changes.  I’ll end this on that note. 

 

Some days are everything that you could possibly hope for while others are more like nightmares.  Some race past you while others just sit still like stagnant water.  During the work week, I really like for days to speed by but I want my weekends to just drag slowly past.  But it usually ends up being just the opposite and that sucks because there is always so much that I want to accomplish on the weekends.  I did get a reprieve this weekend because the striping company was going to come out to do our parking lot and the fire lane next door on Saturday but since there a 100% chance of storms and thunderstorms he is going to do it tomorrow after we close.  I can deal with that because Friday is kind of a throwaway because you spend most of the evening just decompressing from the week.  Saturday is the weekend all day long.  Sunday is kind of my pre-Monday, so after about 3:00, it’s also a throwaway day.  I’m busy getting things ready for the week.  But I have a new computer sitting in my Magical Writing Haven in its box and that will be my Saturday.  I love new technology.  I’ve been using my laptop but I wanted a desktop with a 24″ monitor, at least 1 terabyte, and 8 gigabytes of RAM.  I got all of that for a great price direct from Lenovo.  And the CPU is actually in the monitor so I don’t have to worry about finding a space for a separate CPU.  That’s a big help since space in my Haven is extremely limited.  So I am looking forward to Saturday.  Depending upon how late the stripers are here tomorrow night, I’ll probably get started on it when I get home from work.  Or, maybe I’ll work on it a little tonight.  There is some rearranging that will have to be done but not a lot.  But I don’t care how much work it takes because I HAVE A NEW DESKTOP COMPUTER!  I’m hoping that it will make me more excited about writing again.  I will have to migrate files over from my laptop but that’s not too big of a deal since I have a lot of them on a flash drive.  Plus, I have some large capacity drives that I can copy everything onto and upload it in a chunk.  Well, I need to get out of here so I can go home and at least start moving things around in preparation for the unboxing of the computer.  I cannot wait!  Tomorrow will probably drip slowly away.  But that’s just how things happen!                            

That’s not a bad thing except when bad things are happening in your life and you want nothing more than to crawl into bed, pull the covers up over your head and sleep for a few days.  But you can’t because you have a family, work, organizations, etc…,  that are depending on you to do what you’re supposed to be doing.  You have to take care of sick family members, check your child’s homework, earn money to pay the bills, call the plumber, finish that report for your boss, and a multitude of other things.  Then, and only then, can you pull those covers up over your head.  If life weren’t that way, planner companies and self-help programs and authors would go out of business.  I personally have bought more than my fair share of Franklin Covey and Day Runner planners, organization and self-help books and any and everything that might help me stay on track and keep up with my responsibilities.  Some have helped and some were a huge waste of money.  But I’m still on the lookout for that magical formula that will get and keep my life organized and on track.  I’ve found bits and pieces but I’m still looking for everything in 1 planner, book, or program.  I really like Danielle LaPorte’s planner.  It’s based on her Core Desired Feelings.  It gets to the heart of what you desire and how you desire to feel.  And what you need to do to achieve both.  I just got a new planner that is all about working your plan to reach your goal in a year.  Let’s just see how that works.  Fortunately, it’s not dated so you can start at any time.  I plan to start on Saturday.  I’m not giving up on my goal of being a published author so I will keep searching for the best way to get there until I do actually get there!  And I will get there.          

As much as I love the storms, I also love what it feels like after the storms have passed.  The air is clean, the sun is brighter, and it just feels crisp outside even though it should be a bit too warm for the air to actually feel crisp.  I think that the electrical charge of the lightning has something to do with that…ions and all.  Everything just feels lighter, including me.  It’s a very good feeling.  I feel like setting goals and actually meeting them…not procrastination.  All of that is in spite of having a terrible toothache.  And why do I have that?  Cowardice, pure and simple.  I have an awful phobia when it comes to dentists and any kind of dental procedure.  I have to have nitrous just to have a cavity filled.  This isn’t some random phobia…I earned it.  When I was 17, our family dentist was performing what should have been a run of the mill root canal, because he was addicted to pain medicine, it went wrong.  First, it started at 7:30am and I didn’t get out of that room until after 3:00pm.  I was on nitrous the entire time.  And that root canal caused me issues for years.  It took 8 years for me to go back to a dentist.  And he was awesome.  It was through him that I found that Dr. Thorsen was a drug addict and had killed himself by overdosing on pain meds.  Being a diabetic, I am already predisposed to complications when it comes to dental procedures so even though my new dentist was beyond excellent,  every procedure had complications. When I had my 2 wisdom teeth extracted, I had dry sockets continuously for almost 2 weeks because they wouldn’t heal. Then I had to go to an endontist to have that original root canal redone…3 times. He drilled in through the top of the crown twice then he finally had to go into it from the bottom. So, more dental trauma. All went pretty well from that point on but after my dentist retired, I had some more bad experiences. But now I’m with a good dentist so I trust his referral to the oral surgeon. And now, whether I trusted the referral or not, I have no choice. At least they use anesthesia so I’ll be out! I can do that! But I am not getting the implant because I don’t want to risk it. My bottom teeth are a little crowded so I thing I’ll be okay with the teeth spreading out. Now the dread sets in but it’s hurting so badly that I will almost be relieved to get it done. Almost.

I was going through all of my music and came across 1 of my absolute, total, and complete favorites…Nanci Griffith.  During my abusive marriage and my eventual escape, I listened to her nonstop.  I 1st discovered her in 1985 when she made her 1st appearance on a PBS show called Austin City Limits.  You could just hear Texas when she spoke and sang.  She has been classified as a folk, country, and pop artist.  I think she’s most definitely a folk singer.  She writes a large number of her songs, plays acoustic guitar, and has a wonderful, melodious singing voice with such range.  I bought all of her cassettes, then upgraded to CDs, then everything available on iTunes, and now she has her own playlist in my Amazon Music Unlimited.  I have taken her with me for 34 years and counting.  I always listened to her when I was writing because she inspired me.  She was born and raised in Texas, just like me, was creative and a poet, also like me, and her poetry and music has been played and heard all over the world, just like I want my writing to be read.  She made me want to be someone’s touchstone.  I feel like I owe a lot to Nanci Griffith…for being my comfort in difficult times, for making me want to dance in happier times, for putting me to sleep at night and waking me up in the morning, and making me truly crave to express my creativity through my writing.  I guess that what I’ve been missing lately is Nanci backing me up.  Well, she’s back now and I’m ready to create!  Also, if you’ve never heard of her…give her a listen.  I like her earlier music best because it was there for me when I felt afraid and lost and then helped me emerge from that time of my life.

I am sitting here in my Magical Writing Haven watching and hearing magic.  We are in the midst of a storm and fortunately, it’s not an especially violent one…nearby counties to the east and south of us are in a tornado watch but we are not.  That doesn’t mean that a tornado definitely won’t happen, just that statistically it’s not as likely to happen.  In Texas during the springtime, we go on high alert when the skies begin to grow dark, the wind picks up and grows calm and it becomes eerily quiet and then the silence is broken by the crash of thunder and the darkening skies are illuminated by strike after strike of lightning.  But in this moment, the thunder and lightning are so just amazing…so loud and bright.  And in the midst of all that, there are doves cooing outside my window.  Such a juxtaposition between the violence of a storm and the peace that is implied by the presence of the doves.  While we Texans are hunkered down and trepidatious in the midst of a spring storm, nature just keeps doing its thing with little to no worries.  Maybe we all need to internalize that message…no matter how chaotic and scary life is, we can’t spend all of our time worrying about it.  We have to address the chaos and fear, then move on and be our best self.  Turn those things into something positive.  Like so many people have pointed out, our lives are not a dress rehearsal…this is it…opening night and everyone that loves and hates us, as well as complete strangers, your critics, and people that are just hoping that you’ll trip and fall flat on your face when you emerge from the wings of the stage are here.  So step onto the stage, hit your mark, and give them the show of a lifetime.  And then wait for the applause.

Today has actually been pretty calm and uneventful.  No emergencies to be handled.  No blood lost.  No excitement at all.  I like it but also worry about the proverbial calm before the storm so I can’t let myself relax just yet.  I will feel better once I get out of here and get home.  Then I’ll be able to breathe.  I’m hoping that the weekend is just as quiet so I can get some creativity flowing and actually complete something.  I think that I’ll spend some time doing a little “me” work as well.  But right now, I am going to get a couple of things finished here, get some way too expensive gas, head home, feed my strays and ferals, get inside, get comfortable while Rick fixes fried cod, and homemade onion rings.  After that, I’ll either get creative or go to bed so I can get an early start tomorrow.  Depends on how I feel.  I’ll let you know tomorrow!